Fat Queer

Epic Gains & Epic Losses: (Fit 2) "Fat 2 Fit"

2011-11-02T15:31:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago a fitness fanatic friend on Facebookshared a link to an article on Yahoo! The article was about this guy, Drew, whois a fitness trainer and someone who has always been fit. Super interestingright? Aren’t those guys a dime a dozen? But this is where things are a bitdifferent than your normal Yahoo! fitness article telling you how to “Lose theLast 10” or to “Eat These Five Foods for Better Health.” Drew started a 12month journey where for the first 6 months he would eat whatever he wanted, norestrictions, and refrain from exercise. Then for the last 6 months he wouldrevert back to his “old ways,” eating well and exercising regularly, in aneffort to get his old body back (an come full circle). All along the way he hasbeen documenting the changes (he is currently only days away from the start ofthe “Fat-2-Fit” stage). Now, in no way do I feel like this guy needs any moreexposure that he’s been getting (he’s been on The Tonight Show and Good MorningAmerica, and getting all kinds of internet love; he's doing just fine), but I am really interested inhis mission and the motivations behind it so I felt that I needed to share.

On his websiteDrew says this of the mission:

“This is my story of how I plan on going from beingobsessed with being fit, to fat in 6 months and how I plan on showing everyonehow to get back to fit again in 6 more months. My diet will be unrestricted andI will refrain from any exercise during my fat stage. I plan on putting onaround 50-60 pounds. After those 6 months, I will be teaching people how to getback in shape by allowing everyone to follow my specific meal plans and workoutplans on this site. I will be documenting my progress every step of the way andblogging about it, from weekly pics, measurements, and even allowing people todecide what fatty foods I should partake of during my fat stage.”

There are a lot of reasons to find this experimentinteresting. But what drew me in was the ability to see someone roughly my size(very similar measurements, he’s just more muscular and has a lower body fatpercentage) balloon to where I used to be (I admit there is a bit of a morbidcuriosity involved) and then to make the journey all the way back again. Younever really get to see that process, usually it’s just before and afterpictures. And, I suppose his mission/blog is very similar to mine, in a way, soit’s obviously a subject I am interested in.

But, this is where I really get interested. What I reallywonder and will be waiting to see is: will he ever get back to his originalfitness level? Will he be able to get rid of all of the weight he packed on?Will it only take him 6 months to lose the 75+ pounds he has already gained? Ittook me 2 years total to go from around 250 to 185 pounds, so I am curious tosee how he fares. I am curious to see what speed bumps he will hit. After beingfat for only 6 months will the transition be as daunting as it is for those ofus who grew up overweight or have been for large portions of our lives? Is theemotional weight of that life experience even present in his case? How can youcompare 20 years of body shame with a few months worth? Maybe you can’t.

I definitely find what Drew is doing is quite noble andapplaudable. For a trainer, someone who is devoting their life to fitness andhelping others achieve their fitness goals, the ability not just to empathizewith an obese patient, but to be able to say, “I’ve been there, you can do ittoo,” is reassuring and actually priceless.

What really excites me is the “Fat 2 Fit” stage. I amlooking forward to seeing what his meal plans are like. I want to see just howmuch (or how little) he is eating. I am looking forward to seeing his workoutsand what they are composed of. Will it be tons of cardio or lots of weighttraining (he has lost a lot of his muscle over the last 6 months I wouldimagine)? And I am looking forward to seeing his emotional/psychologicalchanges and struggles along the way. Oh, and I really want to see if he is ableto get his six-pack back (because if he does it gives me hope!).

This is going to be interesting.

-FQ

P.S. The "Fat Queer: Fat" pictures are not actually me at my heaviest, I plan on showing some of those but in order to do so I need to get them from my parent's house and scan them. Though the ones that I did use are still a pretty good illustration of just how large I was.

David (Gandy) vs. GOLIATH

2011-10-28T19:41:00.000-07:00

It appears that even male super models have body image problems. The very attractive and successful David Gandy, famous for his Dolce & Gabbana ads, is just like the rest of us. I'm not going to pretend that this info is necessarily news to me (that a male model is body obsessed), come on, it's his job to look good. But, what I do find interesting is that someone who is hired to be the body and face of a company, someone who beat out hundreds of (if not more) models to fulfill that role, can still fall victim to the mischievous tricks of the mind when logic would have to argue that you're doing just fine.

In a recent interview in DETAILS he had this to say about his struggles with body image:

“I don’t particularly like much of my body. I’m very critical of myself. I think I’m pretty much a perfectionist in anything I do so I’m never going to be happy. I’m not saying it’s a good thing, believe me. People can criticise me and try to being me down but I tell them, ‘You can’t be as hard on me as I am on myself, so don’t even try.’”

That last sentence is incredibly telling and it brings forth a much larger issue: why is he so hard on himself? Is it the stress of staying relevant and competing with younger, so-called, "hotter" models? Is it linked to his childhood; is he an "ugly duckling" type who was made fun of at school? Was there an overbearing parent that subtly, or possibly not-so-subtly, informed his ideas of what a man should look like? Or, any number of other factors?

That is where the lines tend to blur, and one of the reasons body image issues are so prevalent and difficult to locate the root cause. Often times it is not as simple as just one contributing factor (for me it was a mix of parental influence, being made fun of and shamed, the gay community's glorification of, and the medias emphasis on, what is essentially an unnatural body type).

So who knows why Mr. Gandy is so hard on himself? Maybe that is not the real issue here. It is most likely more constructive to focus on how to get the mind to move beyond the "ideas" is subscribes to. Especially when there is strong evidence that suggests your beliefs not grounded in reality.

We've all got bodies. We've all got issues. And it seems, we all (or a whole lot of us) have body issues.

-FQ

MTV's "I Used To Be Fat"

2011-10-19T16:42:00.000-07:00

I just came across this wonderful show, on MTV of all places, called "I Used To Be Fat," and it may be the best (and only) thing MTV has going for it right now.

Granted, for a large portion of my life MTV was "my jam." I loved Real World (I LOVED it, need to elaborate in a separate post), Road Rules, the RW/RR Challenges, True Life, and of course music videos (when they acually played them). But lately, and by that I mean over the last 5 or so years, I have felt like MTV and I had grown apart. I could no longer tolerate the people that were cast on the Real Word, am disgusted by the kids and their parents on "My Super Sweet 16," and I have no interest in anything Jersey Shore related.

So, back to IUTBF. The show follows one obese teenager per episode, and pairs them with a trainer to help them get down to a healthy weight. All of them are recent High School graduates who are heading off to college in the Fall, and looking to shed some weight and have a fesh start.

From MTV's website:

College is all about reinvention. It's a time in a teen's life where they can leave behind all of the preconceived notions people had about them in high school and start fresh. Unless they're massively overweight.

'I Used To Be Fat' is a new documentary series profiling teenagers desperate to shed their unwanted pounds before heading off to school. We'll send a weight loss guru to work with each person and they'll go through rigorous fitness regimens and work with experts to learn how to change the habits that caused them to gain so much weight.

Each one-hour episode will focus on a different student, following them from the last weeks of high school to the first crucial days of college, and giving viewers an inspirational and intimate account of their emotional and physical transformation, as they struggle to change their attitudes, eating habits, and ultimately their lives.

But this summer is about more than just losing weight for these teens -- it's also about figuring out who they are and who they want to be. It's time for them to stop leaning on mom and dad and to learn to stand on their own two feet. It's a chance for them to realize that if they don't take charge of their lives now, they never will.

Throughout each show, viewers will witness how each teen's life and view of the world starts to change as they start to lose weight, and they'll see them when they debut their new look -- and their new outlook -- on their first day of college.

At the end of each episode, we'll catch up after a few months of college to see where they are now. Have they kept the weight off or gained it back? Is college life what they'd dreamed it would be? And what will their families and friends say when they see them again?

Some will lose the weight. Others will fail. But either way, this will be the most important summer of their lives.

The episode I watched was about a kid named Josh, whose start weight was 310 pounds (I've been there) and over the course of just 3 1/2 months achieved amazing results. It is so gratifying to see someone work hard and make shit happen. At the end of the episode I was smiling right along with Josh, his trainer, and his family. Especially since I understand what he had to go through and the satisfaction of meeting (or exceeding) your goals.

Here's a sneek preview of Josh's episode. You can actually watch entire episodes on the MTV site.

Also, Josh's trainer Joey is pretty easy on the eyes. So, there's that.

Anyway, I definitely recommend checking this show out. And I give MTV props for creating a show that has the potential to help and inspire a lot of people, not just the few kids that are on it.

-FQ

Wrap-Up: How did THE PLAN go?

2011-10-13T00:50:00.000-07:00

*I wrote most of this back in August and also last month and then became sidetracked and forgot to post. I put some finishing touches on it today.

MONTH 1:

Here I am after one month of the new plan I devised and I am actually feeling pretty good. Whether or not there has been any change I feel different. And that is change enough for me.

The last week of the month was actually spent on vacation, one of those “floating buffets” of all things. It amazes me the way people eat on these things. Yes, there is food available 24/7. Does that mean you need to be constantly shoveling it in your face? I’m pretty sure the answer to that question is NO! However, for some reason people just go crazy. It is no wonder that the FITNESS DUDE mentioned in one of his seminars that the average cruise passenger gains 5-10 lbs. in one week. The dietary crimes I witnessed are too horrifying to recount.

Oh, and yes, of course, I spent a portion of my free time going to health and fitness seminars and hitting the gym (it’s who I am, what I find interesting, and what I enjoy). I also got a body composition test and the HEALTH DUDE did say (in his charming South African accent) that I have a very good lean muscle mass (think he said “great”) and am very well hydrated, but that it would be good to lose about 5% of my body fat. The amazing thing was, my dad was sitting right next to me when the guy mentioned my muscle mass, and I got to chide him for his harassing me about being to “slim” or “scrawny.” I felt quite vindicated.

In the last month I have done a great job of not working out too much, actually forcing myself to not go to the gym so that I can get the proper amount of rest. I have been going to the gym (or doing my training outside of the gym) 4 to 5 times each week and definitely working intervals into the mix. I’ve done some crazy cycling classes (one in which I nearly threw up because I was pushing so hard; lesson learned) and had some good sessions in the pool. What I love about that is that you can actually feel the difference when you’re swimming faster; the way the water rushes past you. I’ve also done a fair share of weight training and yoga, and of course running (my absolute favorite, NOT).

I also started monitoring (at least a little better) my calories and also my protein intake. So far those seem to be good things. I know for a fact that I am consuming enough calories to not start metabolizing my muscle mass in order to get fuel and also that I have enough protein in my system to regenerate and build new muscle after a tough workout or training session. Obviously, the last thing I want to do is lose any of my existing muscle mass. What is the point of losing weight if the weight you are losing is muscle not fat? I am actually a bit glad that my weight has increased slightly while my body fat has been pretty stable.

MONTH 2:

It has been two months since I decided to try a new modified approach to my fitness and diet regimen in hopes of making some positive changes to my body and how I feel about it. So, how did it go?

Well, August was a ridiculous month. I think I made it to the gym about 5 times. Of course I managed to eat properly still, but with an insane work schedule, very few days off, and tons of stuff to take care of before and after work there was just not enough time to get to the gym. The last week of the month was spent out in the Nevada Desert at the Burning Man festival (so, not a ton of gym time there either, just lots of bike riding and dancing!) What was fantastic about Burning Man was that I was surrounded by thousands of people who were so content just being themselves. Whether that meant wandering around completely nude or in some wonderful costume, they were who they were, and they were proud. It was a very beautiful thing to behold. While I am not quite “there” yet when it come to putting my body on display, I did break through some personal boundaries that week and am happy to say that I am forever changed by this (and many other experiences I had).

So, after two months of more or less following my plan (I definitely did a good job of working out less!) what, if any, progress did I make?

As of September 15, 2011

height: 6'0"

weight: 185 lbs.

chest @ nipples: 40.5”

under breasts: 39"

biceps: 12"

@ belly button: 35."

hips: 35.5"

butt @ widest point: 39"

thighs: 22"

calves: 15”

Body Fat: 17%

Let’s take a look at this. I apparently gained 6 pounds and my body fat increased by 1%. However, I really don’t trust my bathroom scale when it comes to body fat measurement (two measurements taken within 2 hours of each other had different results, the latter being 1% less) . Also, a number of people (my mom and a co-worker included) commented on the fact that I looked thinner or more fit. Could it be that I actually am making gains in my muscle mass? I certainly hope so. I suppose the jury is still out. All that matters is that I feel good, and look better than I ever have. And I suppose that is really what all of this has been about the whole time, my quest for self-acceptance and being comfortable in my body. While the stomach “pooch” (or saggy skin) and the smaller, but still present, breasts are a reminder that I still have a ways to go, at least I recognize that this may be the case for a while, and I’m OK with that.

-FQ

P.S. I can’t lie, but my main impetus for THE PLAN was to try and get my body closer to where I would like for it to be, knowing that I would be going to Burning Man and would want to be as comfortable as possible in my skin. What I learned there (though I’ve always known this) is that being comfortable in your skin has a lot less to do with resembling a model in an underwear ad, and a lot more to do with how you feel about YOU and what you have to offer the world. Thank you, Playa.

Self-Control, Or A Lack Thereof

2011-07-12T23:15:00.000-07:00

I recently came across this very interesting "New Yorker" article about the differences between individuals who are able to delay their gratification (essentially those who have self-control) and those who aren't. There are big differences and it interesting to see how something like self-control, which is a learned behavior, can impact so many facets of our lives and how well we do or to what extent we succeed (whatever your definition of success is). It basically comes down to the ability to distract yourself from whatever is trying to get your attention (junk food, alcohol, or any other vice you "can't" say no too).

I know that one of the big changes I had to make in my life was to finally get a grip on my self-control. I had to learn not to give in every time I wanted to eat something that was bad for me; to train myself to not go for the cookie and instead have something healthy. To not give in to emotional eating, and to recognize that was the reason I was consuming and not actual hunger. It is funny to me that when I look back I had so much self-control in some facets of my life and yet when it came to food I was at a complete loss. I cannot say for sure that I would've been like one of the children in the study who licked the filling out of the Oreo and then put it back on the plate before the researcher came back in the room, but something tells me that I probably would have been.

Anyway, check out the aritcle HERE. It's a worthwhile read.

-FQ

Time for a NEW GAME PLAN

2011-07-07T01:35:00.000-07:00

I had figured that my triathlon training would result in dramatic changes in my body composition. However, the evidence suggests that is not the case. In the last 4 moths (beginning of March through end of June) my body fat percentage has not decreased all too much, and the changes in my measurements are not as dramatic as I expected either. This is unfortunate because I really worked my ass off to prepare. I was working out 5 or 6 days a week, sometimes doing bricks (two workouts back to back, like a bike/swim or a bike/run). I was also eating really healthily, not drinking alcohol, save for a few special occasions, and getting lots of veggies and “good for me” foods.

So, I am at somewhat of a loss. I am not sure where I am going wrong. And this is why I have decided to devise a new plan. For the next two months I will follow the plan I line out in this post. I have enlisted some help, Bernard Lavallée of GAY NUTRITION (check it out, lots of good stuff to get you thinking), in this endeavor. He has agreed to check out my plan and give me some advice as well as look at the reasons/motivations behind my quest.

Here is what I can share about my motivations:

-I am still very concerned with good health (not sure if “optimal” is too strong a word). I have some diseases that run in my family (diabetes is a big one) and I would like to avoid having to deal with any of them if I can.

-I am over being fat. I was fat for approximately 25 years. I have previously stated the reasons why it sucks, and they still stand.

-I don’t feel 100% comfortable with my body. I still have a little fat on my chest and my belly and it annoys the hell out of me. Have you noticed how straight guys couldn’t care less about walking around without their shirts on (even when there is no pool or beach nearby)? Honestly, they have huge beer bellies and/or breasts and still walk around like nothing’s wrong. It’s amazing. I wish that I were that comfortable with my body but years and years of being made fun of, shame, and disdain for its appearance have scarred me. I know that I am ridiculously smaller than “the old” me but I still feel like my body is not beach ready. I don’t need to be some chiseled Adonis, I just want to get rid of the bit of flab that I am so embarrassed by. I just want to feel comfortable without my shirt on (this is very important to someone like me who loves everything ocean/beach/swimming/ etc. related).

Below is a current photo of me. You can see that there is sagginess around the waist and definitely the breasts. These are my two main areas of concern, though overall tightening up is part of the plan.

And now . . . THE PLAN!

1. I am going to work out less! That’s right, I am cutting back to 4 or 5 workouts per week. I am worried that I was overdoing it and that my body didn’t like that. So, I will not workout 6 days per week and no more than 3 days in a row.

2. I will introduce more High Intensity Interval Training into my workouts. I’ve been researching this a lot and it seems that intervals are the best way to burn fat. So I am going to incorporate this into my triathlon training (this also seems to be how you get faster and make positive gains in each of the three disciplines).

3. I will continue to mix it up. I will still do yoga, kettle bell, and other random classes (things that are not tri-specific) to shake things up, keep it interesting, and keep my body on its toes. I will also continue to do push ups, crunches, mountain climbers and other exercises that use my own body weight as resistance on a regular basis.

4. I will pay attention to how many calories I am consuming. Well, kind of. I am not going to keep a journal even though I hear it is the most effective method when trying to lose weight. However, I have come this far and feel pretty good about my eating habits. I eat a pretty damn healthy and clean diet, so for at least the 1^st couple weeks I will go sans food journal/log. That being said, I will also make sure to consume enough calories to keep me alive and healthy. I am worried that I may not have been consuming enough calories (even though I feel like I eat a lot) for the last couple months. I guess being vegan makes it a little tougher to over-consume; binging on veggies just isn’t the same as cheese or meat I suppose. After lots of research I have decided on a range of 2600-3200 calories per day based on how intense my work out has been (some days as high as 4000 calories).

5. I will focus on meeting my protein requirements. I don’t think I have necessarily been under-doing it when it comes to protein I would like to actually try and hit a number range on a daily basis. The amount of protein we need is debatable, human breast milk is only about 10% protein (and babies do just fine, right?) but some trainers will recommend 1 gram per pound of body weight (for clients trying to build lots of muscle mass). 180g seems a little high and only 50g seems a tad low. Based on my findings 65-95g per day seems to be the proper amount for me.

And that’s THE PLAN!

Finally, here are the current stats (so I can track how this little experiment actually goes):

As of July 3, 2011

Height: 6'0"

weight: 179 lbs.

chest @ nipples: 40”

under breasts: 38"

biceps: 12"

@ belly button: 35.5"

hips: 35.5"

butt @ widest point: 39"

thighs: 22"

calves: 15" (down 0.5” this year)

Body Fat: 16%

I started the plan on July 5^th. I will do bi-weekly check-ins. The final weigh-in/stat update will be September 5^th.

IT’S ON!

-FQ

And Now For Something Completely Different (though not actually too different)

2011-07-05T22:41:00.000-07:00

Today I started a new fitness/body fine tuning plan. It is a plan I've created after lots of research, and my personal experience so far, to try and finally shed the last few pounds of flab. I am hoping this is the final step on the long road that has been my weight loss journey. Details to come shortly.

-FQ

P.S. Photos of model Didier Cohen by James Demitri. While I know there is only the slimmest of slim chances that my body will ever look like this guy's, if it were to happen I wouldn't mind!

TRI Your Heart Out!

2011-06-23T14:14:00.000-07:00

About two weeks ago I did something crazy. Something I never thought in a million years I would ever do. Something that was always on my list of things to do/accomplish but that I didn’t think I was necessarily ready for, yet. But then I threw myself into the “deep end” and forced my self to either sink or swim; and boy did I swim!

Just over two weeks ago I participated in a triathlon. It was in San Francisco and it was called the “Escape From Alcatraz Triathlon.” What follows is the story of how I wound up participating and having an amazing experience.

Just after completing the registration/packet pick-up process.

Back in October or November 2010 I mentioned to my trainer (for a few moths I was working out with a trainer to try and finally achieve the body that I have been striving to have for so many years) that I had always wanted to do a triathlon. Being that I grew up swimming and never considered myself much of a runner I figured a marathon was not a good fit, but that a tri would be my best bet. We started do some tri specific training and then in March I signed up for a local tri that takes place in the fall. I signed up for the “Classic Distance” which is a 1/2 mile ocean swim, 18 mile bike, and then a 4 mile run. I figured that over 6 months to train and prepare was more than ample time.

Then, one day I walked into the gym and saw a little sign for a nation-wide competition to compete for a spot in “E.F.A.T.” I grabbed a flyer and threw it in my gym bag. Later that night I went online and registered for a spot in the qualifier contest. I saw it as an opportunity to see how prepared I was for my tri in Malibu this fall. I then had two weeks to prepare. I started going to spin/cycle classes, to try and increase my run speed and to look into ways to increase my swim speed as well. After only two or three weeks of training it was time to give it a go. I knew the finish times of the people who had won spots the previous year, and knew the time window I needed to finish within in order to get a spot this year.

I got to the gym a little early to check in. I went and warmed up on the treadmill and then did some stretching to loosen up. I got to the pool deck and waited for my time to jump in. They called my name and I swam, finishing faster than I had been doing in all my prep. I got out and jumped on the bike. Rode it like crazy and finished right around where I had planned to. Then I headed over to the treadmills, jumped on the first one and ran a quick 5K and was done. When all was said and done I had finished with a better than expected time in each event. I felt like a champ! In the end I finished in the top 20 (out of 260 people)!

So, there it was. I managed to more than qualify for one of the 75 spots in “E.F.A.T.” and had no other option than to take that spot and accept the challenge. I now had just over 2 months to prepare for a 1.5 mi. swim across the chilly San Francisco Bay, an 18 mi. bike through the hills of the city, and then an 8 mi. run along the coast, along trails, and even on the beach.

I went out and bought a triathlon training book and started upping my workouts. I started cycling more (both in classes and out on the streets) running more (lots of short-ish treadmill runs and longer runs outdoors) and to swim (greater distance and also in open water, not just the pool anymore).

After all the build up, the prep, the training, and the acquiring of all the gear necessary to compete in a tri, race day was here. I woke up super early on the morning of June 5^th and had a light breakfast (vegan energy pancakes that I made and brought with me to SF). I got my on tri shorts and tank top, threw on a pair of gym shorts and a sweatshirt, grabbed my bag and my bike and rode down to Marina Green (the epicenter of the event). As the sun was fighting its way through the clouds and rising over bay I set up my transition area. I got my bike on the rack and threw down a towel to stand on. I set out my running shoes, lined up my snacks (a must for endurance athletes is to continually take in calories) and hydration, put my wetsuit on up to my waist and grabbed my swim cap and goggles. I left the transition area and headed for the shuttle that would take us to the boat.

Once we were all on the boat and it set off toward Alcatraz the energy was insane. Everyone was so pumped. Most of us were in our own zones getting mentally prepared for the race ahead. I did some light stretching and breathing. I put my suit on the rest of the way. I got my swim cap on and my goggles on my head. I was SO ready to attack this race course. Over a loudspeaker they announced that we were 2 minutes until race start. Everyone started cheering and getting even more amped up. We all started condensing near the exits.

And then the race started. The pro athletes dove in and then they started waiving the rest of us out to take the plunge. I couldn’t even tell you if the water was cold or not. I didn’t feel a damn thing. I hit the water and the only thought going through my mind was to swim. And that is what I did. The first 5 to 10 minutes of the swim were a bit chaotic and a little stressful. There are 2000 people jumping in within a 6-minute time frame and there were lots of collisions. The visibility was pretty low, I could just barely see past my outstretched hand, so all of a sudden you would come up on a slower swimmer and have very little time to avoid contact. I fought my way past the slower racers and finally found my own bit of open water to swim in and made my way to shore. The swim was over in the blink of an eye and I was on to transition one (a 0.5 mi. run over to the bike start). I peeled off my wetsuit and threw on my cycling shoes and helmet and hit the road.

Yes. This is actually me getting ready to do the bike leg.

The bike course was beautiful. The day was clear and the sun was out (the day before was overcast and rainy, and the forecast wasn’t predicting conditions to improve) and there was a light breeze coming off the ocean. It was a very hilly course, but it was full of nice views and lots of jovial racers. As I was on about mile 4 of the bike the lead male pro was already on his was back into the transition area; all the racers cheered him on as he passed by.

Before I knew it I was back in the transition zone throwing on my running shoes and downing some coconut water hydration cocktail I made and was back out on the road. I was feeling great and ready to make the run my bitch. I was steadily passing people all along the way. We went up hills, and up stairs, and on narrow trails, and on the beach, and up a 400 stair “sand ladder” (essentially, a hillside with rail road ties and sand as steps), and back on to trails, and then back along the bay for the last 2 miles. For about the last two miles I was running along side another racer, he and I chatting about the race and what brought each of us there that morning. I told him that I was a former fat kid and that, for me, this was the culmination of years of hard work (I told him about how I had lost over 100 lbs.) and this was my way of proving to myself that I had achieved something huge. As we reached the 7^th mile marker (just one little mile left to go) we both cheered each other on and raced into the finish line, random spectators shouting and cheering us on. I saw my friends and family in the grand stands and I crossed the finish line with a huge smile on my face. I turned around a looked at the time clock, it registered that I had beat my projected goal finish time by more than 15 minutes. I turned toward the exit to try and go find my loved ones and I was overcome by my emotions. I was so proud of myself, so happy to have completed the race, and so full of adrenaline that I began to cry. I tried my best to stifle my tears and the sobs that I was barely managing to hold back. I finally spotted my friends, and as they gave me a huge group hug I completely lost it. And then I laughed it of. I felt like a badass!

I DID IT! I COMPLETED MY FIRST TRIATHLON, AND FINISHED FASTER THAN I PLANNED!

-This is a huge FUCK YOU! to the kids who made fun of me growing up: the ones who teased me for my weight and my appearance. Sure, I was fat (not that that is any excuse for their behavior), but I have managed to change that. Odds are, they are still “ugly” on the inside.

-It’s a huge FUCK YOU! to my dad who thought that tough love and name calling was going to make me want to lose weight, and who never thought he would see me as thin as I am or do anything as athletic as a triathlon. I love my dad, but he needed to realize that no one was going to make me change my ways but me. I know he is very impressed with my accomplishment.

-It’s a huge FUCK YOU! to the doubter’s; the ones who wrote me off as a lost cause, the one’s who told me I would never do it or I should set my goals lower. Don’t fuck with me when I put my mind to something.

-But mostly, it’s a huge FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! to the inner fat kid. To the apathetic, overweight, miserable, and hopeless person I used to be. The one who allowed all the negative thoughts to bog me down, and who would quit trying to make a positive change before I had even started. To the kid who ate his emotions, then was depressed by his overeating and the excessive weight on his body. I am so far removed from that person that I can happily say, “FUCK YOU!” You will never have power over me like you once did.”

-FQ

P.S. It also took a lot of courage for me to get out there and compete in a tight tank top and what are essentially underwear. I am proud of myself for getting over my body issues and doing it.

Status Update: Mid-year check-in

2011-06-16T22:46:00.000-07:00

Oh dear. It has been a long time since I managed to update this blog and an even longer time since I have done any sort of status update. Here’s the deal:

I feel like I am basically in “Maintenance Mode” these days. I have been steadily hovering around the same weight since January (between 176 and 180 pounds). And as far as measurements go, there has been little change; just a couple halves of inches here and there. Now, don’t get me wrong, I am certainly happy to be where I am. Amazed and proud. However, I really amped up my gym routines in prep for a big event (I will go into much more detail in my next post) and was expecting to lean down quite a bit.

Here's the updated chart:

On the flip side I have seen the changes in my body and in the way my clothes fit. I can see muscle definition in areas there was never definition before. My arms, my legs, my torso, and even my back (which actually used to have a layer of fat that I always found odd) are all more “cut.” Last time I saw my dad he made a comment, his usual type, about how lean I was. And, add to this that my roommate’s boyfriend (a personal trainer at a fancy gym) keeps commenting on how “skinny” (yes, I still cringe at that word) I am or how good I look, makes me fairly confident that the proof may not actually be in the numbers. I am thinking that I am actually replacing fat with muscle, that the muscle I am building is taking up the same space the fat was, and when I take my measurements, that is why they are essentially the same/unchanged.

Here’s to continuing on the path toward even better health and the pursuit of a body I am not ashamed of.

-FQ

Are Gay Men Obsessed With How We Look? And why?

2011-03-30T22:02:00.000-07:00

I just saw a preview for a documentary that will be airing on Logo this weekend and I made sure to set my DVR to record it. The film is called "The Adonis Factor" and is directed by Christopher Hines. Check out the trailer:

I am completely willing to admit that I am more than slightly obsessed with how I look. However, I feel that it is mostly due to the fact that I grew up obese and am now finally reaching the point where I am healthy and fit, and not embarrassed by my weight. So yes, I check myself out in the mirror constantly, to see how far I've come and what I have left to work on (are my standards for how far I need to go unrealistic and heavily influenced by this "Adonis Factor?") . And of course I care about how I dress, and how I look when I leave the house, but is that necessarily a "gay" thing? It seems like on the whole, the gay community puts more stock into looks and appearance. But why? I really hope this doc "makes good" and sheds some light on the topic.

Once I watch it I will have to do a little write up. I have a feeling it will tie in really well with my "pros and cons of living in WeHo" post.

Here is "The Adonis Factor" official site.

-FQ

HOOK-UPs & HANG-UPs: Part Deux

2011-03-30T00:33:00.000-07:00

I’m not exactly sure why, but I thought it would be fun to reminisce about the last 6 months or so with regard to my love life (or overall lack there of, HA!). It was by far the most interesting and promiscuous year on record for me. You can check out the first half of the year if you’d like here.

I guess I can start this by just laying it all out there. I think it is really bizarre to have guys come up to you at a club, start dancing and then just start making out. Even stranger is the hand down the pants move. I’m all for getting some action, but we’ve only just met; get your damn hand off my crotch! I honestly can’t keep track of how many random make out sessions I have had in the last 6 months. I’m not sure how I feel about that fact. It’s just the way it is.

One night while at The Abbey with some friends I made eye contact with some random hot guy as we passed each other trying to make our way through the crowd on the dance floor, he was headed toward the front, we had just entered and were trying to get over to the bar in the back. I was just looking around at the mix of people taking it all in, as I usually do, when I caught his glance. We held it for a few seconds, and because we were on opposite sides of the crowd and moving in opposite directions, that was it. We got to the bar, got drinks and found a semi-vacant place where we could stand and talk. A few minutes later, out of nowhere the guy from the dance floor pops up right next to me. He asks my name. I reply. I ask his. He tells me. We immediately begin kissing. I am not sure how long this goes on for, but I do think at one point he had his hand down my pants, and this is all in front of my friends and some people next to us that we had just met and befriended. After a while we stop and he makes his way back over to the bar to get another drink. I didn’t see him again. He was an OK kisser. I got a lot of shit from my friends for that one. It was a little awkward, right there in front of them and some statue of a random saint or whatever, I have to admit.

Fourth of July weekend I went out with some friends on what ended up being an epic evening. We started out on the eastside; it was agreed that we needed to escape the “WeHo scene.” We went to Akbar but weren’t feeling it so we headed over to MJ’s. I’ve always been amused by the mixed crowd at MJ’s; there’s a little bit of every type of gay. I ran into some friends of a friend and we danced for a bit (one kept making eyes at me but nothing ever happened). We excused ourselves to the patio to get some air (and so my friend could smoke). He found a group of older gay men to bum a cigarette off of. We quickly made friends and spent who knows how long chatting with them. One of the men offered to buy me a drink, I allowed him to do so. We eventually decided to go back out to the dance floor. We met back up with the friends-of-friends and before I knew it the man who bought me a drink was all up in my business. Full Disclosure: While older, in his 50’s, he was attractive, though not my type and I was not interested in anything but having fun. So . . . we ended up making out on the dance floor (are we seeing a trend here?) and he was getting a little grope-y and putting my hand down his pants and whispering all sorts of nonsense in my ear. After a while we were over it all and decided to go meet up with some friends at a club downtown. As we were leaving the older gentleman followed us out. He expressed his desire to take me home with him. I declined by way of having to take care of my friend, and he asked that I call him. I never did.

That night we ended up at some underground rave/party and then after hours at The Factory (which was definitely not my scene). We finally made it back to my house at about 5 in the morning and crashed.

Sometime in July I was out and about in WeHo and after an evening of drinking and dancing at all the usual spots, a friend and I ended up at Mickey’s after hours. Now, so far in my experience nothing “good” has ever come out of my going to Mickey’s. We hit the dance floor and were having a great time getting down. After some time I notice a guy and his friend making their way over to us. They start dancing next to us, and then one of them moves in to dance with me. We dance and at some point one of us makes the first move. We begin to kiss. We make out. Hands are moving all over. We both lose track of our friends and don’t realize or care until it is nearing the end of the night. We exchange numbers and go our separate ways, each of us with our re-found friend, but not before kissing goodbye.

The next afternoon I resolve to be the one to call and see about setting something up. Obviously it goes to voicemail so I leave a message, straightforward and to the point. He calls back that evening while I am at the gym and leaves me a message. We agree to meet up that week. I pick the location. We meet around 9 at one of the smaller WeHo restaurants for drinks. We have round after round, and lots of good conversation. We stay until closing. He offers to drive me home (I laugh because I am within safe walking distance). He won’t take “no” for an answer. He drives the three or so minutes to my place. I give him a kiss good night. We make out in the car for a moment. A car drives by and he gets nervous. I laugh. I put the car in park for him. We continue to kiss. I enjoy kissing him, there is something that feels “right” about it. We stop and agree that is getting late and we both have to work the next day. One more kiss and I exit the car. We text back and forth a bit. At some point in the early morning hours I get a friend request notification from Facebook.

We don’t meet up again until after the weekend because he had to go out of town (we did text a lot while he was gone). We go to a lounge-y bar and just talk. We talk about all sorts of random stuff; the conversation is good (family, friends, politics, religion, etc.). Since receiving the friend request I now know his age. He is a bit younger than myself, but he is definitely more mature than the number of years would lead me to believe. Once gain we stay until near closing. He offers to give me a ride home, and I eagerly agree to it. In front of my house history repeats itself. I tell him that I could continue kissing him all night. Unfortunately, it is a weeknight and we must go our separate ways.

We continue to text each other back and forth throughout the day for the next couple days. We meet up again later that week. He parks at my place and we walk up to the boulevard together. We start out at one bar and have a few drinks and then head elsewhere to go dancing. He harasses me about looking at one of the go-go boys. I tell him that it is impossible to ignore them, and that I don’t even find the guy attractive its just that my eyes were drawn to the movement. He half-buys it, but it is the honest truth. We dance. Some straight girl cuts in to dance with me (I don’t know what it is, straight girls love me. And I mean that in the least arrogant way possible). She comments on how cute he and I are together and apologizes to him for stealing me away. We dance more. At some point I ask him whether he wants to stay and dance or do something else. We decide to head back to my place. I show him up to my apartment. We make our way to my room. We kiss. I push him down onto the bed. I lean over him and we continue to kiss. I am on top of him and we are making out. I start to unbutton his shirt, unbuckle his belt and pull down his pants. I unbutton my own shirt. I feel very comfortable with him. I pull down my pants. We kiss for a while in just our underwear. I move down to his crotch. I tease him a bit before pulling down his underwear (at first with my teeth). I give him head for a while before coming back up for another kiss. He comments on my “talent.” We trade places. He wraps his lips around my dick and he cups my balls. He is a little rough on the squeezing of them and I have to reach down and guide his hand. After a bit he comes up. He is expecting me to fuck him. I wasn’t even planning on him actually coming back to my place, let alone wanting to fuck, and I tell him I don’t have the necessary supplies (I just didn’t think about it). He is visibly disappointed. We continue to fool around but it is different now. We both come. We lay in the bed for a bit to recuperate. We clean up and get dressed. I walk him out to his car and we kiss for a bit. He is leaving the next day to go out of town for the weekend, I say goodbye with another kiss.

I text him the next day to see that he arrived at his destination safely but don’t hear back. I send another text later that evening. No response. I am now pretty sure things are through between us. I finally hear back after a couple days. He gives the usual excuses (busy with work and can’t be in a relationship right now . . .). I tell him that I knew it was over and I was waiting for him to actually say it. I am not sure of the real reasons behind the dissolution of our burgeoning relationship but I suppose it doesn’t matter much. What really made me angry about the whole situation was how strongly he had pursued me from the start only to end things so abruptly. My pride was bruised and that is never fun.

I see him again a few weeks later while out celebrating the overturning of Prop 8. We chat and introduce each other to friends. We dance and drink and have a general good time. We go to the bar together to grab a drink. He looks at me with “that” look in his eyes. He starts to lean in. He catches himself. I smile and hand him his drink. As I am leaving the bar I say goodbye, give him a hug and a kiss on the cheek. I jokingly tell him to “be good.”

My friends and I decide to stop into one of the other bars on the walk back home. I run into the guy that I hooked up with a couple times last spring. He says something about me never calling him, and I tell him that the phone lines work in both directions. We chat for a bit. He asks if I want to dance. I oblige. We dance. We kiss. He says all the right things (again). We end up back at my place. We are in my bed fooling around and having a good time. He’s fun and a bit aggressive and I like it. It is surprisingly passionate for just being a hook-up. The only problem is that every time we kiss all I can focus on is the horrible taste of tobacco. It is a huge turn off, and I resolve that this is the last time I will be kissing him, let alone any other smoker. Once we have both gotten off he gets dressed and I walk him out. I give him a kiss goodbye knowing that it will be the very last time our lips will meet.

The rest of August and September were filled with more random make out sessions. Only one was particularly memorable. I made out with a friend of a friend (the same one I had run into at MJ’s in July) who I know had been interested in me for some time. We all met up at Fiesta Cantina before heading over to Here Lounge and in the middle of the dance floor he made his move. It was really tender and nice and he made some throwaway comment about cuddling with me (which I was not opposed to). However by the end of the night he was angry with me (still not exactly sure why) and one of my friends had to spend a bit of time talking to him and calming him down (maybe it was the alcohol). It was definitely and odd situation and I haven’t seen him since.

In October I went out to celebrate my friend’s leaving the country for a couple months on a soul-searching trip to “the east.” By the end of the night he and I wound up on the dance floor at Mickey’s and before long I had an older gentleman trying to get “all up in my business.” I wanted nothing to do with him but he was extremely persistent. He moved in and kissed me. He stuck his hand down my pants. He kissed harder. And then he was leading me out of the bar. I told him that I needed to look after my friend (who had actually found himself a cute boy to pursue). He said I didn’t need to worry and that my friend could take care of himself. We walked down the street. I pulled back, honestly worried about my pal and also not really feeling it with this guy. He persisted. I gave in, figuring, “what’s the worst that could happen?” We arrived at his house. We went to the bedroom and he began to undress, and then to undress me. We made our way to the bed and fooled around for a bit. He reached over to his bedside table to grab his bottle of lube and also another smaller bottle of something. I knew what it was from watching “Queer as Folk” back in the day, but I have never been with someone who uses poppers, so this was new territory for me. He proceeded to lube himself up and then guided me to make my entrance. This was another first for me. We all know by now that I am a late bloomer in this regard, but I gave it 110%. There was thrusting, and moaning, and position changes; to be honest things were going a lot better than I expected. However, about a half an hour into this whole experience I found myself “in my head” asking what the hell I was doing. Telling myself that I knew I should not be there and that I needed to plan my escape. Here I was F@#King a guy that I wasn’t even really attracted to, that I didn’t exactly want to go home with in the first place, and now he was just lying there moaning rhythmically but not really contributing anything. I realized there was no way I was going to get off and gave up the charade. I stopped and laid on the bed next to him to rest for a moment and “figure my shit out” but he immediately tried to top me. I had to (politely) let him know that wasn’t about to happen, and apparently the next best thing was to sidle up next to me and spoon, with his arm draped over my body. In the midst of recalculating my escape I actually ended up falling asleep for a moment. I woke up, naked and cold, to the sound of his soft snoring. I gently lifted his arm and climbed out of the bed. I crept around to where my clothes were scattered on the floor, quietly put on everything buy my shoes, wrote a “thank you” note, placed it on the bedside table and tiptoed out of the house. Then I ran like hell all the way back to Santa Monica Blvd where I proceeded to put my shoes back on and then walk home through the now deserted WeHo; the crisp autumn air enveloping my body and helping to clear my head as I tried to process the nights events.

On Halloween I met a boy at a rooftop party. He came up and started chatting with my two friends and I. We hit it off. We joked. It was great. And then we had to leave. We said we’d meet up at the next bar but that never happened. We didn’t exchange numbers or anything. Big mistake. I can’t help but wonder . . .

Sometime in November I attended a straight friend’s birthday party at a bar in Hollywood. I was just hanging out, talking with some friends and minding my own business when this guy comes over and sits right next to me. I really didn’t think anything of it and didn’t pay him much attention. He got up after playing on his phone for a few minutes. Not too long after he was back, under the guise of needing to grab something out of his jacket which just so happened to be right next to me. I still wasn’t really thinking anything of it but somehow he managed to interject himself into our conversation. Finally it clicked that he was interested; I’m a little slow, what can I say? We chatted for a bit and he offered to buy me a drink. We made our way to the bar. We made our way to the dance floor. We danced. We kissed. We went outside on the patio to chat. We made out. We danced. We made out on the dance floor. And then it was time to leave and all of our friends were very swift in their exits. It was just he and I left, and his ride was already gone. So, we walked to my car. And we stopped to make out. And he said all sorts of nice things. And he said that he’s not used to “getting the hot guy.” And I laughed at the comment. And he was kissing me and unbuttoning my shirt. And eventually we found ourselves in the car. And I was giving him a ride home. We kissed at every red light. We parked in front of his building and it was raining (it was a bit romantic). And we kissed some more. He said more flattering things. Eventually he went inside and I drove home.

He texted me like crazy. We made plans to meet up a few days later. We grabbed coffee/tea and caught a movie. He didn’t take his hands off me throughout the movie. We walked around after and talked some. He walked me to my car. We kissed in the parking lot. We met up one other time at one of the local WeHo watering holes. He introduced me to his friends. We had fun. I ran into some friends of mine and kind of ignored him for a bit. He walked me home and we kissed for a while outside on the sidewalk. I used the excuse of having to work early the next morning (which was true) to get out of inviting him in.

In January I found myself in the middle of my most interesting hook-up to date. I was out with friends at another birthday celebration. As usual it was nice to see friends and hang out, drink and dance. However, by about 1:30 everyone was ready to leave; everyone except myself and one other friend. So we decided to head over to one of the other bars that stay open later. We snuck in without standing in line or paying cover and headed right into the center of the chaos. I was looking around, taking in the scenery, and I noticed a guy looking in my direction. I thought nothing of it and kept on dancing. A few minutes later I noticed the same guy and his friend both glancing over our way. Now, I am thinking that maybe one of them is interested. Not long after they start to head over to us. We make our introductions. We chat for a bit. Someone has the bright idea to head out to the dance floor. We are all dancing for a little bit and then my friend decides it’s time to leave. I say bye and continue to dance with my new friends. And then one moves in to kiss me (though, not the one that I am more attracted to of course). And then the other moves in and kisses me. And I am definitely more interested in this one so I continue to dance with him and to kiss him. And then he poses THE question. He asks if I would “like to get out of here.” In that split second before answering I think, “what the hell, why not?” And now we are leaving the bar and heading toward his car. And his friend is right there along with us. The three of us pile into the car and set off. It is at this point that it becomes completely clear where the night is headed. I text my friend that left early to share what is abut to happen (and also in a way to get some sort of approval for what I was not certain I was ready to do). We stopped at a drugstore to pick up some supplies and raised more than a few eyebrows. We arrived at the apartment of one of the guys and sat around for a while just talking and getting to know each other. And then the kissing started. And the clothes were coming off. And then we all moved to the bed. Hands were moving all over the place. And mouths were on penises. And then one of them was behind me trying to make his way in. And it was painful as all hell. And the other was sucking me off. And then we took a break and there was more making out and more sucking. And then the other guy wanted a turn, so I assumed the position. And we try, but he is a bit thicker and I am just not able to relax enough to let it in. So we go back to oral and hand jobs and kissing. Eventually we all get off and are exhausted. We snuggle up next to each other in the bed and go to sleep. In the morning we slowly wake up and there is some more fooling around. We shower and get dressed. We talk and hang out. They give me a ride home. I am shocked by how NOT awkward the whole situation is.

Ok so enough with the sharing all these ridiculous stories. What is more important is: WHAT HAVE I LEARNED?

- I have learned that I am attractive. Obviously, I am not hideous if I have guys that are interested in me. This is a very difficult thing for me to grasp and accept. Especially when my brain has not caught up to the changes in my body and I am still stuck with the “fat guy” mentality.

- I have learned that I don’t need to date a guy just because he shows interest in me. So far I have not been 100% attracted to any of the guys I have dated but have agreed to go out (or hook-up) purely because they are pursuing me and I am not used to that. This whole men finding me attractive thing is pretty new. And even newer is my acknowledgement of it and the fact I am even allowing myself to be open to all of it.

- I have learned that I am very good at brushing off the compliments that guys give me (I am the king of the eye roll). Honestly, I find it so awkward to be called “hot” or “sexy.” For starters, I don’t really believe they are being genuine (still struggle with self-esteem issues). And I also don’t know what the appropriate response is. Do I compliment them back? Does that then seem disingenuous and like I’m only doing it because they did first?

- I am trying to learn to go after what I want. It’s not easy.

- I have learned that I am not necessarily a fan of random hook-ups or meaningless sex.

- I am learning to love myself more and more every day.

- I have learned to be more OK with my body, to let go of my “issues,” and just enjoy the moment.

- I have learned that I am pretty talented (if you catch my drift).

-FQ

P.S All photos in this post are by a wonderful photographer by the name of Milan Vukmirovic. They are from an editorial in "L'Officiel Hommes" called "Boxes."

YEAR 3 WRAP-UP: Another Year of Decreasing the Amount of Space I Take Up

2011-01-16T14:01:00.000-08:00

It has been three years. Already. Unbelievable. So much has happened in the three years since I made a promise to myself (and decided to share it with anyone and everyone on the internet) that I was finally going to commit to losing the weight that I had been meaning to lose for so long. I remember writing that this was not some half-assed attempt at fulfilling a New Year’s resolution, but a commitment to change my life, for good. So, how has that panned out? To make a long story short (you can read all my blog entries for the LONG version): year one burned off 27 lbs., year two 22 lbs., and last year/year three another 24 lbs. (and 4% body fat)! So, you know, only 73 measly pounds. Gosh, I’m such a slacker!

Here’s the updated stats chart:

In all seriousness, I am fucking ecstatic. Elated. Beside myself. I am really pleased with the progress I have made. I put in a lot of hard work and have definitely seen it pay off. I’ve got more muscle and less fat (which means more definition, I think I am developing back dimples!) and I feel great.

So what did I do in 2010 to drop another 20+ pounds?

In January I got my ass back in the gym. After the horrible realization that I had put on 7 pounds over the holidays, I knew I had to get my shit together. I made it to the gym (or did something active like a hike, 21 out of 31 days in January). I also got back on track with my diet. Not some stupid fad diet, my life diet (eating clean, natural, and organic whole foods and being vegan). Over the holidays I slacked off and started eating more vegetarian than vegan, which basically means lots of cheese and baked goodies. No bueno for the waistline.

February was more of the same (18 out of 28 days). It wasn’t until mid to late March that I was able to get back down the svelte 195 lbs. I was before November of 2009. It was also in March that I added in the weight training to my gym regimen. Nothing crazy, mostly lift classes at the gym (I’m not really one to use the machines on the floor, as I tend to get bored easily). April (17 days in the gym) had me maintaining my schedule of going to the gym on a regular basis and adhering to my diet.

It was also around this time that I realized that if I was going to make any progress, or continue to, I could no longer use working as an excuse to not hit the gym that day. And so I started going to the gym after work, especially on days that were relatively easy days. I have to believe that this was a big part of my success this year. If I had just played the “I’m too tired after working 12 hours and just want to go home and crash” card I would have only made it to the gym a couple times each week.

May (15 days, but I was sick for a week), June (25 days), July (at least 15 days), and August (a lot, I stopped keeping track), more of the same. I just kept pushing through doing my mix of cardio and lifting. I feel like a broken record sometimes, but that is what determination is I suppose.

Starting in September work became crazy (and it stayed that way until the end of the year). However I was on roll, the pounds were disintegrating at a steady pace and I wasn’t going to let anything stop me. I started going to the gym before work if I had to. I managed to make it to the gym about 20 days out of the month, and I worked just about 25 of them. At the end of September the local 24Hour Fitness closed for remodeling (it was WAY overdue) and after a bit of weighing out my options, I made the choice to join a new gym. With the new environment, new classes to check out, and new eye candy as motivation I managed to hit the gym quite frequently (October = 20 days, November = 25 days, and December = 19 days) all the way through until the end of the year (and have stayed on track since the start of the new one). So basically, I spent a lot of time at the gym or being active in 2010.

Along with joining the new gym I also started doing something I never thought I would do. I have never enjoyed running, in fact some people might characterize me as “anti-running.” I was the kid that took forever to “run” the mile in school because I would end up walking most of it. And to be honest I never understood how someone could enjoy the act of running; the bullshit about a “runner’s high” was something I never bought into. I can swim forever, and have actually experienced that after about 30 or 40 laps I feel like I can keep going ad nauseum (I currently do 120 laps = 3000 meters = 1.85 miles on days that I swim). However, with a little convincing I decided to train for a 5K.

At the start of November I got on the treadmill and ran for the first time. My goal was just to go until I reached that magical distance, just to make it 5K (just over 3 miles), while jogging at the very least. The crazy thing was that I did it. At a pace of 5.5 MPH (and a slight incline to make things interesting) I ran my first 5k (on a treadmill in the gym). I was shocked to realize that I had been selling myself short for so long. I decided to keep running at the gym a couple times a week to make sure that I could easily run this thing and not make a fool of myself.

On the morning of the 5K, Thanksgiving to be exact, I got up early and did some stretches, had a very light breakfast and got down to the event with just enough time to meet up with some family members and friends, and chat for a minute before the start of the race. Funny thing is, I ran the whole way, no problem there, passing slower runners the entire time, and ended up being the first in my group to finish (this was a huge surprise to me). I ran the 5K in just under 28 minutes. That was a pretty awesome feat and I felt like a million bucks!

Since then I have found a new love (okay, I don’t know that I actually LOVE running but I know that I do enjoy it) for running. I have since upped my distance and speed and am currently running 6.5 MPH on the treadmill and can easily go for an hour straight. When I run outdoors I try to do at least 5 miles and to consistently come in under my last run’s time. I was warned by one of my friends that I should be careful, as running can be addictive, and I am definitely seeing that to be true. But I like the challenge of going harder, faster, and longer.

2010 was another great year. I stuck to the commitment I made to myself and continued to move closer toward my goal. I am now dangerously close to having the body that I have desired for so many years. One that is healthy, and not too horrible to look at either.

-FQ

P.S. I have had a crush on Ben Cohen for a long time. I thought I should finally add some pics of that adorable man to the blog. He is kinda perfect: cute smile, muscular but with some padding, and a little hairy. Yeah, I want one like that.

Too Fat. Too Thin. Are You Kidding Me? Are You For Real?

2010-11-20T16:52:00.000-08:00

When I was growing up, I used to pray at night, to a god that I didn’t really believe in, to wake up in the morning and not be fat. I would tell this deity that I would give/do anything to be free from the hell that I was in. It is amusing that I thought that this was even possible; this a-la Fairy Godmother type magic. Obviously, that never worked and it was many years before I was able to get out of the fat fueled funk that I was mired in. It was many more years of emotional abuse and self-sabotage before I finally made the first step toward becoming a recovered fatty.

My entire childhood consisted of my father frequently reminding me that I was fat, as if I wasn’t aware of this fact. As if I weren’t reminded every time I went to the pool or beach, and every morning when I got dressed (shirts that were just a little too tight and required me to stretch them out just a bit or pants that were tough to button). Because, seeing my reflection in the mirror every day, wearing XL shirts as a freshman in High School, and always failing to run the mile in an acceptable amount of time during PE were not reminder enough, and maybe I would forget.

It was usually small comments; calling me “Chunk” or joking with people that they never had to tell me to finish my dinner, a comment about thunderous footsteps, or being in the “splash zone” when I jumped into the pool. Often times it was in reference to something I was eating or wanted to eat. “You don’t need that crap fatty” or later when I was a teen and able to make poor eating decisions for myself, “Do you really think you should be eating that?” But some times he would get really upset and go big, calling me a “Fat Ass,” and make really mean digs, berating and belittling me. It is because of this that I was ashamed of my weight from a very young age. It is also part of the reason I started to sneak food as a child. I knew that I would get crap from him no matter what I ate, so in my mind it was better to sneak it and eat in peace.

The taunts my dad was constantly slinging my way didn’t cease until I was eighteen or so; a point in time where I had surpassed the three hundred pound mark and, I assume, he viewed me as a lost cause. What’s interesting (to me at least) is that I realized somewhere between 18 and 23, he had been resorting to the teasing and name-calling out of love (yes, I know how absurd that sounds). It is not as if he didn’t care, he just had an odd way of showing it. He is definitely of the “tough love” school of parenting, and I see that now more than ever in how he interacts with my younger brothers. He was a star athlete in H.S. and expects that his progeny be as well. I was forced to play all sorts of sports I had no interest in because he wanted me to both lose weight and be an amazing athlete. It is not that I hated the sports, I actually like most sports and can play many of them moderately well, but that I was a fat kid and didn’t want to be active. Running the length of a basketball court, back and forth for nearly an hour, out of the question. Running bases was not incredibly high on my list of things that I would like to spend my time doing. Of all the sports I was forced into the only one that I actually enjoyed at the time was being on the swim team. Unfortunately, I let the lazy inner fat kid get the best of me, and I eventually gave up on swimming in Jr. High. The reason I say “unfortunately” (and I suppose there’s actually more than one) is because that time period was when I made the most progress in my pre-adult life when it came to losing weight and becoming healthy. Had I continued to swim I doubt I would have had the weight issued that plagued me in my teens. I still regret my decision and actually wish that my parents had forced me to continue swimming.

Anyway, the point I am trying to make is that my father lacks the ability to express himself in a way that is not abrasive when it comes to dealing with his children. He cares deeply, only wants what is best for us, and expects us to live up to our full potential, and that is why he gets so angry when we fall short. The problem is that he focuses on the negative, highlights it even, and doesn’t sugarcoat a damn thing. This is of course not easy for a child to hear. So, maybe, just maybe that is why I have it drilled into my head that I am fat. Even at 6 feet and 180 pounds I still look in the mirror and see a fat person reflected back.

Imagine my surprise when the last time I saw my family all my dad would say was that I needed to gain weight. That’s right. I am apparently too skinny (I know I‘ve said it before but, I cringe when I hear that word) and I need to put some weight back on. Are you fucking kidding me? Twenty-something years of torture about how fat I was and now, when I am at my lowest and healthiest, after all the hard work and dedication I am still not “good enough.” Throughout the weekend he repeatedly made comments to me and to others, calling me slim, saying that I needed to eat, etc. It got to the point where I was so bothered by it that I had to tell my mother how much it was upsetting me, and hope that she might relay the message to him, since he clearly wasn’t taking the hints I was dropping after each remark. I just can’t win. But at least now I know that.

-FQ

P.S. The photos are by Sergi Pons, originally for El Pais magazine. I liked the swimming theme.

A Quick Update

2010-09-08T12:26:00.000-07:00

It’s already September. WTFuck? 2010 is just flying on by. Only four months left until New Year’s Day and by that time I would really like to have achieved my fitness goals (3 years from the start of this here blog). That means: I am at a healthy weight (I am basically there) and there is no more flab or sagging skin; it will all be taught and nice. Oh, and also to have a healthy amount of muscle and definition. Of course I would also like to make sure that my cholesterol, blood pressure, and other vitals are in a good range. I think four months is doable.

Since I last checked in (July 2010) I’ve continued to shed some weight and to shrink. The changes are small, but I am enthusiastic and elated by any change in the right direction whatsoever. Here is the updated progress chart:

That’s right 185 pounds! Never in a million years did I actually think I would see that number on my scale. Words cannot express how overjoyed and gratified I am. It makes me smile.

What have I been doing to keep the weight loss going? I eat pretty fucking healthy to start. Healthy fats (nuts, avocados, olive oil, etc), tons of veggies and fruits, whole grains and take some vitamin/supplements and a vegan protein powder. I work out at least 5 times per week (cardio, swim, weights) and am generally active at work (constantly moving and carrying heavy gear), which helps. I still eat some sweets (Uncle Eddie’s Vegan cookies are AMAZING!) and will never give up my chips and salsa (NEVER!), but I manage to fit them into my overall diet in a way where they aren’t additional calories at the end of the day or will counteract my progress. When I swim I average 1500-2000 meters (0.93 – 1.25 miles) and will gradually increase that number to 2500 meters over the next month or two. What is really great is how integrated my healthy diet and my exercise are into my daily life. Both have become second nature. That is a major turning point in the battle if you ask me. One of the first sentences I wrote in the first post of this blog was that this was not some New Year’s resolution

I just keep on pushing forward. I’ve got my eyes on the prize and I’m not stopping now.

-FQ

A little Reading Never Hurt Anybody

2010-07-07T19:41:00.000-07:00

A few days ago I was goofing around on the internet, trying to find something worth reading when I stumbled across a new book about Veganism. The title got me right away. MEAT IS FOR PUSSIES (by John Joseph). The little blurb/tagline states "A how-to guide for dudes who want to get fit, kick ass and take names." Sounds awesome!

From what I can tell, the author cites both health related (duh!) and environmental (duh!) reasons for going vegan and proves that it really is easy to do. It’s just like breaking any other habit or deciding to cut out caffeine. Basically, decide to do it, stick with it, and before you know it you don’t even have to think about it, it becomes second nature.

Obviously, by cutting out meat/animal products you consume significantly less saturated fat. HEALTHY! And besides clear cutting the rainforest (the poor amazon) to make room for raising cattle, current estimates show that it takes one gallon of gasoline to produce each pound of beef. Add to that the extra methane the cows produce and we have a horrible burden we are placing on our planet. And there are many more reasons to make the switch; I could go on forever.

The website for that book led me to another book on the topic (by clicking on the “reviews” tab). This one got me really excited. Thrive: The Vegan Nutritional Guide to Optimal Performance in Sports and Life by Brendan Brazier, a Pro Ironman triathlete, seems like exactly the book I was looking for but didn’t know it.

Ok, fine I will admit it; I have always secretly wanted to compete in a triathlon. I think it is exactly the kind of challenge that I would like to see myself overcome (and it would also blow people away to know that a former 300+ pounder just completed a triathlon). Someday, hopefully within the next 5 years, I will do it.

Anyway, this book outlines how to make sure you are still getting all the proper nutrition you need while following a vegan lifestyle. It also disproves the theory that in order to be an athlete you have to eat lots of lean meat (chicken and egg whites) and avoid carbs altogether. If I hear another stupid, ill-informed body builder talk about eating a pound of grilled chicken breasts and steamed broccoli for every meal I think I will shoot myself (not really but you know what I mean). Hello, to be truly healthy you need variety. You need to eat the rainbow, so to speak, making sure that you are consuming all types of fruits and vegetables, which are each full of different nutrients. Guess they don’t call them “meat heads” for nothing. This book had a lot of 4 and 5 star ratings on Amazon so that’s a good sign.

Of course there is a second review by another author, Mike Mahler (The Aggressive Strength Solution for Size and Strength, redundant much?) but as I have stated before, I have absolutely no desire to look like a body builder. I’m all for muscle definition and all, but I never want to be “big” again, even if it is due to lots of muscle and not lots of fat. I hate the feeling of being the largest guy in the room. Though some people may be into that, and if so, I encourage you to try and check that book out.

And then there’s the book that originally got me started on the vegan path (once I was already a vegetarian for a while), Skinny Bastard. It was a good intro and a “fun” read. Sensationalist at times, and full of humor (if you like being told that your dairy eating ways are fucked up). It’s definitely a good one to check out and flip through if you are hanging out at the bookstore.

I will definitely be picking up the first two I mentioned and possibly (most likely) sharing my thoughts on them here.

-FQ

KEEP ON KEEPING ON (More Stats & More Thoughts)

2010-07-07T14:02:00.000-07:00

I started this blog in January of 2008. It is now July of 2010. Two and one half years from making a conscious and concerted commitment to finally break free from the burden of my weight. Here I am approximately 60 pounds lighter than when I started the blog, and nearly 120 lighter than when I was at my heaviest. I am shocked when I actually see those numbers in writing. It’s unbelievable.

Anyway, I made a really cool (in my opinion) chart that chronicles my weight loss/measurements since I started recording them. Luckily I had some papers scribbled with stats on them stashed away in a drawer from way back. The last line is the most current stats. I’m currently 192 pounds, or at least I was prior to 4th of July weekend (though I think I was pretty well behaved, minus some alcohol). That is stellar! I am thinking that my ultimate goal will be 180. Pretty sure I mentioned that before, and it still stands. It seems like the right number for me; 190 is right around the corner and I’m still noticing “problem areas” that haven’t gone away.

Here’s the chart:

As for the weight loss plan I am still eating mostly organic, 99.9% vegan, and exercising 5 days per week (average). I vary it up with cardio classes, weight training, swimming, and more cardio. This helps me to keep things fresh so I don’t get bored with my workouts.

What I find really weird is that it has been about two or three months since I added in the weight training and I am noticing more definition, but the numbers aren’t adding up. I am down 3 pounds, clearly have gained a little muscle, and yet my body fat percentage is stagnant. How is it still at 20%? Especially when it dropped by 4-5% a year ago when I lost about 10 pounds between July and August. This also means that my lean muscle mass is decreasing (now at 153 lbs whereas back in July 2009 it was 161 lbs) when it should be increasing. I am starting to think I just can’t put too much faith in the bathroom scale when it comes to this measurement. It’s frustrating, but not to the point that I am going to throw in the towel. If anything, I see it as a challenge. What do I need to do to make that number go down?

I just need to keep on keeping on I suppose.

-FQ

The Doctor Is In

2010-05-12T20:28:00.001-07:00

While working on a recent job we had a doctor on set for the day. It is standard practice to have a medic on set everyday, just to hang around and be there in case of any injuries. It’s also a bonus that most of them are cute (maybe it’s the uniform). Well this guy is a real doctor and he has all kinds of goodies (vitamins, supplements, and the like) on his cart and he goes around giving people actual medical advice. He also has a body fat percentage calculating machine. So I decided that I should take the test, one, to see where I stand, and two, to see how the number compares with the bathroom scale I have at home. When there was a little bit of downtime (something that is not easy for me to find on most workdays), I made my way over to his station and broached the subject with him. He handed me the machine (a small hand-held device) and then asked me my age, height, and weight.

“195 pounds,” I said.

The doc looked at me in disbelief. I was unsure of what to think. Do I look that big?

“Really,” he asked.

“Yeah,” I said unsure even though I knew my weight was 195.

“Ok.” The doc responded. “I would never put you at 195. You must have a lot of muscle.”

I tried my damnedest to hold back the smile that was fighting to consume my face. Are you for real doc? I look smaller than what I weigh? I NEEDED to hear this. It was confirmation of the dilemma I had been struggling with for a while. I believe myself to be larger than I am but apparently look smaller than my actual weight. I can’t decide if this is a good or bad thing.

After inputting my stats in the machine he handed it over to me and instructed me to grasp firmly but not too hard (ha!). So, the body fat percentage was the same as my scale at home. I was a bit annoyed; I wanted it to be off. Otherwise, how could my weight be going down, while I should be adding muscle, and my BF% be stagnant? However when I told the doc the outcome he was very pleased. He said that 20-21% is actually a healthy number for a guy my age. I also told him that I used to weigh over 300 pound a few years ago so I am really just happy to be where I am.

The doc looked at me and said, “I can’t even imagine you being 300 pounds.”

I wish I couldn’t either.

-FQ

P.S. Today I jumped on my scale and the little screen said 190 lbs. Wondering if it’s a fluke.

P.P.S. Summer is drawing closer, and I'm starting to think a lot more about having that "beach body" I so desire. Pictures are by Randall Mesdon

Story and Emotion and Sex: Is this Actually Porn?

2010-05-05T00:34:00.000-07:00

I stumbled upon a video from Naked Sword over the weekend and I have not been able to stop thinking about it. And while posting links to pornographic content is not really what I do, i have a reason. See, most doctors agree that there are some basic needs all humans have. We need sustenance, sleep, exercise, and sex (there could be one or two more), and this is just my way of making sure that at least one of those needs is fulfilled (masturbation counts as exercise).

It's not every day that a porn has you thinking about it days after you've watched it and gotten off. It is reminiscent of SHORTBUS (Paul Cameron Mitchel's fantastic second feature film that also had lots of non simulated sex) and of TALES OF THE CITY (or even kind of UNDRESSED,you know the MTV show).

Anyway, it's called I WANT YOUR LOVE and the two actors (Brendan and Jesse) are adorable. The amazing thing is this isn't your average porn; the really inventive ones that are churned out every 5 minutes. The ones that always follow the formula: Locker room + dude 1+ dude 2 + dropped towel = fucking. Instead these characters are best friends who are just hanging out and talking and drinking wine and just happen to hook up with each other. I think most gay men can relate.

SO DAMN CUTE! It makes you smile and then you come. What's not to love?

-FQ

HOOK-UPs & HANG-UPs

2010-04-15T01:30:00.000-07:00

As I mentioned in my ANOTHER STATUS UPDATE post there are three posts that I have been meaning to get around to for a long time. One revolves around my self-confidence, self-esteem, and my self-perception, which are intrinsically intertwined, and I know I’ve touched a bit on all before. Another is the idea of letting go of the inner fat kid (saying goodbye and moving on). And the last one is my sexual history, or lack thereof.

I f*ing hope this is as cathartic as I think it will be. (I may go into a stream of consciousness type writing style as I get all of this out. Bear with me).

Where to begin?

Well I can stop bitching about not getting hit on for starters. I know I sound like a whiny bitch, but until very recently (just before the new year) I never got hit on, ever. I’m not sure if I am just more receptive now, or what, but I have been getting more attention from the boys. This obviously has a positive effect on my self-esteem. I’ve had drinks purchased for me and been chatted up a handful of times over the last couple months. It’s definitely a start.

Now, before I go into some details about a recent “encounter” I want to take a minute to outline my sexual history. I see it as a way to frame the most recent interaction and my overall state of mind when it comes to sex.

Age 4(ish) thru 7/8(ish): I know a lot of kids experiment and I guess that’s what was going on here. I grew up with a group of cousins and friends that were all around the same age as me and somehow we started experimenting. Most of it was with one cousin in particular, but there were times with other boys. We would find a private place (under a bed, in the closet, in a tent in the back yard, etc.) and give each other blowjobs. It never went further than that, and I don’t really remember how it all started either. We got caught a couple time; that wasn’t too fun.

Around the same time (closer to 4 y.o.) I remember having dreams of being with older men. I don’t think I was ever “with” them in the biblical sense in a dream, but there was clearly the desire to be. This of course raised a lot of questions for me when I was in my teens and early twenties and started to remember these dreams. On one hand I thought it might be a sign of abuse, as I couldn’t see why a little kid would have any reason to have ideas like that on his own, and on the other I chalked it up to being a kid and having crazy dreams. I have no memory of abuse, but clear memories of all the other crazy shit that was going on at that time in my life, so I am not sure either way, and I feel like I am moving on just fine, and pretty well adjusted; so whatever.

Age 9: While staying over at a friend’s for the night his mother suggested we shower together (to save water, that’s what they did at their house). At first I thought it was weird, but then being a curious kid, I said yes. Nothing really happened.

Age 8-12: My best friend and I spent a lot of time together, but nothing sexual ever happened. Both of us turned out to be gay. I find that amusing.

Age 15-19: A close friend and I began experimenting. He was slightly younger, but aggressive, and we started with touching, jerking each other off, and eventually progressed to oral. At one point we added making out. Over the course of a few years we would occasionally hook-up until I finally distanced myself from him and put an end to things.

Age 19-very recent: I was celibate all through college and much of my early twenties. The thought of being with someone sexually was too much to bear. I was so insecure that I wouldn’t even allow the possibility. There were a couple random make-outs (some with women) and one boy that pursued me but I kept him at a distance because I wasn’t ready. We held hands and kissed once.

And there it is.

So finally, with all of my hard work and progress (mentally AND physically) over the last year I am able to wrap my head around being able to expose myself to someone and be intimate with them. It took me forever. I was held back by my body, my insecurity due to how I looked, my fear of rejection, and my worry that my inexperience was going to be a problem. (check out my BODY IS A CAGE post). The fact that I still have breasts (they are smaller now) bothers me. It is so emasculating. And there are the remnants of love handles, and a little extra skin under my arms, and my butt is just a bit flabbier than I would like, and so on, and so on. And I let this all swirl around and cloud my mind, taking over like a thunderstorm sweeping in and ruining a wedding, and before I know it, the idea of anyone beside myself seeing me naked is a ridiculous thought.

This brings us to the very recent past:

I was out on the town with some friends and I was on a mission. I had been out a couple weekends before and totally passed up the chance to talk with this guy who was trying to get my attention. Of course, after the fact I felt like a total dumb ass. So, when one of my friends suggested the goal for the night was to get a phone number I gave him a look that said, “Too easy, let’s aim higher.” I later texted another friend to inform him that my goal for the night was to make out with a boy, just so he knew and would maybe hold me accountable.

We went to all the usual places; The Abbey, Here Lounge, Popstarz. We had our share of luck with various men throughout the night but nothing close to what I was aiming for. There was one guy at Popstarz that kept glancing my way as we were on the dance floor but he never did anything more than smile, same with me, and that was that. WTF?

I guess I should take a second to point out that I still suffer from a slight lack of confidence, and it is a lot easier for me to be pursued that it is for me to be the “hunter.”

And we’re back:

My friends were getting progressively more drunk, and I was having an increasingly more difficult time keeping track of them; I am always the “big brother” or “babysitter,” I can’t help it. One was off flirting with two boys that were friends with each other, another had completely disappeared on the dance floor. So I went over to the bar to grab some water. I was standing there taking a break and looking around the place when I notice a guy walk by more than once and then seconds later he is standing right next to me. He introduces himself. I do the same. He asks if I want to dance. I indulge him. We make our way onto the floor and dance for a minute or two before we start making out (mission accomplished!). We continue to dance/kiss on the floor before moving over to the side where we stop dancing and focus all our energy on making out. In between, when we need a break we chat about random stuff. Of course as soon as I am THAT GUY making out on the dance floor my friends all magically appear again. He whispers compliments and sweet nothings in my ear, as well as things that make me smile. We sorta dance. We make-out. This continues until the lights come up as the place is closing.

Now he wants to come home with me. I am nervous as hell. The last time someone saw me naked was years ago (granted I was a lot larger then), and I don’t know how I feel about this. We continue to kiss and he continues to press the issue. He compliments me, and he says he only wants to cuddle. I finally let in. I figure, “Why not?” I felt like I needed to get it over with and here was a chance to do just that.

We walk back to my place and continue to make out. He gently pushes me onto the bed and climbs over and next to me. After a few minutes he asks if I am planning on sleeping in my shirt and jeans. Before I can mutter a reply he is undressing me. My shirt is off and I don’t know what to think.

Can he see that, while smaller than ever, I have breasts?
Does he care?
Can he see the stretch marks that line my midsection that are a constant reminder of my larger self?
Does he care?
Does he feel the extra padding under his hands as he rubs them up and down my body?
Does he care?

And now his hand is on my belt buckle, trying to release it (I end up having to help) and then on the button and fly of my jeans. He is pulling my pants down while we are still making out. He pulls off his t-shirt, and my hands find their way down to his jeans. I unbutton them and help to pull them off. We are in our underwear. His body is nice. He is fit, not muscled, but toned enough, and trim. He moves down to my crotch and begins to remove my underwear. So many thoughts are running through my head, and my mind is going a million miles per minute.

“Thank god I just did some trimming down there.
What will he think when he sees a small mound of fat around my pubic region?
Could I be any more vulnerable?”

He begins to kiss around my inner thighs and I lose it. Whatever crazy thoughts were running through my mind are now gone. The pleasure has completely taken over me. He places his lips around my penis and goes to town. After a bit he comes up; we make out some more. He is on top of me and I can feel his dick pressed against me. We roll over, swapping places. I kiss him. I kiss his neck and his chest. I am kissing him everywhere. I move down to pull off his underwear. He moans as I slide my mouth over his member. I perform oral for a bit before we make out some more. We lay head-to-toe and blow each other. He finishes himself off; I never get off. I am too nervous and unsure. After we have tired ourselves out, and the sun is starting to rise, we spoon. He drapes an arm over me and pulls me into him. I wonder what he is thinking as he stares at my back (also covered with stretch marks). Does he care that I don’t have a “gym body?” I can’t sleep. I am actually felling a bit of pain from not getting off. Late in the morning he leaves. I walk him out. As we both dress I wonder what he is thinking as he sees me in the daylight. We kiss goodbye. I go back to bed, but not before finally getting off (thanks internet porn!).

All sorts of things go through my head all day. Later that night he texts me to say, “thanks for a good time.” I wait a bit before texting him back. I play it cool. I have been giddy all day. It’s like the scene in UNFAITHFUL where Diane Lane is riding on the subway and replaying her hook-up with the hot dude, Olivier Martinez, in her head. (video below)

Unfaithful - Seduction

He texts back, and I send one more. My friends are crazy and think he is definitely interested. I can’t decide how I feel about it. I feel a little slutty. I am happy. I am exhausted. I wonder if it was just a hook-up. He said all the right things to get into my bed. I let my guard down.

I give him a few days to be the first to make contact. He doesn’t. I am not sure that I even want him to, and yet I am somewhat upset when he doesn’t. I decide to make the first move this time (he approached me at the bar, I can “approach” him via text). I do. I ask if he wants to grab dinner or drinks. He invites me out with him that night. I already have plans but tell him that maybe I can meet up after. It’s after and I text. I don’t hear back for a while and by the time I do I am tired and over it. I go anyway. I want to actually talk to the guy, see if there’s anything there. I meet him at a bar. I am introduced to his friends. He says we should dance. I follow. We dance for a minute. We make out. He compliments me left, right, and center. I can’t help but fall for it. And then history repeats itself. This time I am slightly less nervous, especially since he has already seen me naked. After we are done, he hangs around for a bit but ends up leaving soon enough. I don’t hear anything from him. Days later I send him a text. We text back and forth all night. The texts are definitely flirty. I fall asleep and don’t receive/notice the last one until the morning. And again I hear nothing more. Though after hooking-up for a second time I am not convinced I want to pursue anything more than a friendship.

Looking back on the experience I am still undecided as to how I feel about the whole thing. I WAS on a mission that night, and I got what I wanted (and more). I am glad to have finally been with someone, to let my inhibitions and insecurities go and just get it over with. I definitely feel different. I feel viable. I feel like I have my groove back (not sure I ever really had it, but you know what I mean). I carry myself differently. I notice that the guy two lanes over in the pool at the gym is not merely smiling and kinda staring at me, he is interested. I make the connection. I don’t notice, but am told by my friend, that I get checked out while we are at The Abbey. This time I don’t just laugh it off and ignore it in disbelief, but think “Yeah? . . . Awesome!”

-FQ

P.S. Photos are of Alessandro Calza (Photographer: Nick Malfanti). Calza is a model/actor, and after seeing these photos I really want to see "CIAO," an Italian movie he starred in.

“Peace Out” Inner Fat Kid

2010-04-13T21:26:00.000-07:00

I f*ing hope this is as cathartic as I think it will be. (I may go into a stream of consciousness type writing style as I get all of this out. Bear with me).

I guess when I use the term “Inner Fat kid” I am referring to that part of my psyche that is still the young kid who feels unloved and unwanted. The one who eats to fill a void and also to create a façade that would help to not have to deal with the fact that I was queer. He’s the one that binges and feels like shit, the one that finds temporary solace in the act of stuffing his face.

When I say “Goodbye,” “Peace Out,” or even “F**k Off,” what I mean is that I was finally able to free myself of the ties to that way of thinking. I was able to acknowledge that it was unhealthy and that it was exactly that mentality that was holding me back from making any progress. I mean that I was finally able to let go, to let my new healthy adult self take the reigns.

For the longest damn time I turned to food. It was always there to comfort me. I had an unhealthy relationship with food from a very young age, what with fearing that someone might try to steal it away from me and all, which evolved into an obsession with consuming it whenever possible. And of course, my over consumption allowed me to use my weight to postpone dealing with the impending realization that I was a homo.

Food was always good to me. It amazes me how strong of a hold food had on me back then. I’m not sure if it was all in my head or if the mix of chemicals and sugar and fat really did create the ephemeral euphoria I would feel. It may be that part of my ability to emancipate myself was that I slowly cut out the fast food and the processed junk foods that had their claws in me for so long, slowly weaning myself off of them and freeing my body and mind of their toxic effects. I know the companies that manufacture such products have spent insane amounts of money to perfect their recipes in such a way that each bite is full of the perfect amount of sugar/salt/fat/etc. to trigger all the right spots of the brain and incite pleasure (read anything by Michael Pollan). When I finally moved out of the parent’s house and started shopping for myself I was really able to choose what I consumed. The inner fat kid was powerless over the junk food that would occasionally pop up in the cupboards at home, but when I was calling the shots I was able to keep all of that crap out of arm’s reach.

For all of the progress that I find I have made over the last few years, I have also found that I am only able to keep the inner fat kid at bay for so long. It is not really a matter of time, but certain situations. Whenever I go home to visit my family I revert to my old ways, over consuming and eating junk food, if I don’t make a conscious effort and check myself. I am not sure if it is merely the fact that my old trigger foods are present (chips/cookies/etc.) or if it has something to do with being around my family and the emotional triggers, the ones I used to give into, taking hold again. I know that I am strong, and I can say no to the junk, but sometimes I find myself giving in. I don’t fully understand why when my relationship with both parents, though especially step dad, is much better than when I was a teen, and I am totally comfortable with my gay self. It’s odd, and frustrating and something I am working on. Once and addict . . . I guess. I just know that while the inner fat kid may never be fully exorcised, I am capable of keeping him from popping back up for too long; short visits and that miserable little bastard is back in the dungeon where he belong, and maybe throw him a cookie.

-FQ

P.S. Photos courtesy of Bruno Gmünder.

SELF-CONFIDENCE, and PERCEPTION, and ESTEEM, OH MY!

2010-04-13T00:45:00.000-07:00

As I mentioned in my ANOTHER STATUS UPDATE post there are three posts that I have been meaning to get around to for a long time. One revolves around my self-confidence, self-esteem, and my self-perception, which are intrinsically intertwined, and I know I’ve touched a bit on all before. Another is the idea of letting go of the inner fat kid (saying goodbye and moving on). And the last one is my sexual history, or lack thereof.

I f*ing hope this is as cathartic as I think it will be. (I may go into a stream of consciousness type writing style as I get all of this out. Bear with me).

While I was in college I had an instructor tell me, in so many words, that the reason that I was selected for a highly competitive position with the university was because everyone was impressed with my self-confidence. I only hope that upon hearing this my face didn’t change expression in a way that showed what I was really thinking. What was going through my head was, “What the f**k are you talking about?” I laughed it off. I had never thought of my self as confident. I always felt like the bastard stepchild of the group in most situations. I wouldn’t put myself out there for fear of drawing unwanted criticism and judgment from peers. I went home that night and mentioned this to my roommate. He explained that there was something, a certain way I exuded an easy confidence. The thing was, all of this was about when I was in class or among friends and peers. When it came to my appearance or perceived desirability sexually, my confidence tank was on empty. Based upon the sum total of my past experiences I had it stuck in my head that I was not desirable, in that way.

My first kiss I remember was when I was about 4 years old. This little girl and I were being watched by the same babysitter and were sitting on the floor watching television when she leaned over and kissed me on the cheek. It took me by surprise.

The second one was in first grade. Some girl and I were at the after school daycare. We were sitting out in the field when she just planted a kiss on me, right on the lips. It was a quick peck.

My first girlfriend was when I was in 5th grade (she was a cute little Jewish girl, these days I kinda have a thing for Jewish boys). We were “together” maybe two days. She dumped me because everyone found out about us. I was crushed, mostly because I was wondering “What’s so wrong with me?”

At the end of 5th grade a friend had a pool party to celebrate the start of summer. It was a mix of boys and girls, most of whom were part of my larger group of friends. I was the chubby one, in the group and even my best friend at the time chimed in when these supposed friends were making fun of me, saying the I needed a bra. I stayed strong in the moment and didn’t let them see how hurt I really was. That was the beginning of the end of my friendship with that best friend.

In high school we had to get measured for our costumes for a play I was in. When the lady took my chest measurement somehow the director/drama teacher overheard/saw and couldn’t help but to repeatedly voice his disbelief in the number (I want to say it was something insane like 52”). I was already ashamed of my chest. Thanks A**hole.

When I was about 17 a random stranger told me that I had tree trunks for legs. I don’t think he was trying to be malicious, but he was a dick. That was the start of my being self-conscious about my legs, and especially my calves.

At some point during the latter half of high school my parents became concerned that there may be some kind of medical condition linked to my weight issues. This resulted in a litany of tests at the doctor’s office (all coming back negative) and then a meeting with a nutritionist. She asked me (@ the time I was between approximately 280 and 300 pounds) what I thought my goal weight should be. My response was 180 lbs., which I thought was pretty solid considering my height and build. In as nice of a way as she possibly could have, she explained that I would never weigh 180 lbs., and that I should probably pick a more realistic goal. Bitch!

Around the same time (senior year of high school) I had a teacher accuse me of breaking a desk merely by sitting in it. The desk was broken before I sat in it, and true I had a moderately difficult time getting in and out of them back then, but what an a**hole. After that incident I stopped doing the homework just to piss him off. I ended up with a pretty low grade in that class.

For all of college and until recently I wouldn’t even put myself on the market. I was so consumed by my lack of self-confidence that I wouldn’t even think about dating or hooking up (besides fantasizing about it). I couldn’t fathom anyone finding me attractive, or in the off chance someone did, that I could expose myself to him and be intimate. Friends would ask if I was dating, or comment that I should find someone and I would just brush it off.

My step dad had an incredibly difficult time dealing with my weight. He was a varsity athlete in H.S. and was still involved in Men’s Leagues until recently. He constantly gave me a hard time about my size and tried a million different ways to get me to shed some pounds. He forced me to play sports I had no desire to play (Baseball is boring! Basketball required too much running) not because I didn’t like them but simply because I was a fat kid. I played baseball, basketball, soccer, football, tennis, and was on the swim team. The only one I truly enjoyed was swimming. He would tell me I couldn’t have certain foods, which would piss me off and make me want to sneak them when I had the chance. He was so harsh at times that I would cry and I think part of my weight problems as a kid were also part of me being defiant and wanting to piss him off. I know for certain that part of the reason that I had an unhealthy relationship with food for so long was because of the reactions that I got from him when I ate certain foods. I would sneak food and try to hide my tracks. I was like a junky. It got to the point that they were considering putting locks on the fridge and cupboards. One day when I was around nineteen or twenty I overheard him talking to my mom in the kitchen. He was saying that my brother (I have two 1/2 brothers) was “the good looking one” and that I would never be close to his level of attractiveness. To say the least I was hurt. Not only because of the words I heard but because I didn’t hear my mother say anything to the contrary.

The thing is, my step dad always went about trying to motivate me to lose weight the wrong way. He thought that calling me names, making fun of me, and being generally verbally abusive would make me want to change. But what he didn’t realize was that it just made me angry with him and pissed me off. Not only that but it also made me feel like shit and lowered my already sub-par self esteem. If you call me a “fat ass,” for some reason that doesn’t make me want to hop on a treadmill. When I finally did make the changes necessary in my life to begin to lose weight, it was on my terms and it was my choice.

In my head fat = un-loveable/undesirable/unworthy. I was fat and unhappy and didn’t love myself, so how could I love anyone else?

My self-esteem was always at the lower end of the spectrum and my self-perception has always been a bit skewed. As a kid I was unaware of my size, and being judged for it, until age 10 or so. By 12 I had started to slim down a bit and then by 14 I was back to steadily increasing my weight every year. I had been massive and knew it. I had been slightly smaller and still felt huge. And I have since broken the 200 pound barrier only to know that I must be smaller while feeling like I am still large. It is not until I look at the size of my thighs in comparison to my roommate’s (the “every gay man’s wet dream” roommate) as we sit on the couch watching television, that I see they are just about the same size. It is not until I try on the medium shirt and am shocked it fits; or the 33” slim fit Levi’s; or the shirt I stole from my younger, “hotter,” and slimmer brother; etc. that I begin to realize there has been some change. It is not until I see myself in a photo on Facebook next to someone whom I consider thin. But I still don’t really know it. I have to constantly look for the comparison point, the standard by which I can gauge myself. I have to see someone I consider thin and then see myself next to them, and calculate how we compare. My self perception is based completely on where I think I fit into the spectrum of what I perceive to be normal. This is obviously all kinds of crazy and no bueno.

This totally reminds me of that show Carson Kressley did for fat women, “How to Look Good Naked” or whatever. Every episode (okay, so I watched a couple of them, I’m not embarrassed) he had this part where there was a line up of women from smallest to biggest and he made the main girl he was trying to help insert herself into the lineup where she thought she fit in. Every time the chick was way off and put herself in the line between two women who were a lot larger than her. Looks like we all share that in common.

What’s funny is that EVERYONE comments on my weight now. It’s kinda funny how comfortable people seem to feel giving backhanded compliments. I’m called “skinny” or “slim” by my dad (who now outweighs me by about 10 lbs.) and my brother is only about 20 pounds lighter than me. I also have to constantly deflect comments from friends who worry that I am not eating. Uhh, hello, me and not eating go together like oil and water.

So now that I am 195 pounds I see myself in the mirror and I know that I must be smaller than I previously was. But I spent something like 90% of my life being fat and dealing with that. It is really hard to just switch off all of the things that I am so used to thinking in my head. Old habits die hard, as they say.

-FQ

P.S. The photos are by Federico Erra. I like the tone and mood he captures in a lot of his work.

Another Status Update

2010-04-07T14:02:00.000-07:00

Stats first. Then interpretation/explanation.

As of April 1, 2010

height: 6'0"

weight: 193-195 lbs (down 7-9 lbs since January)

chest @ nipples: 42" (down 0.5”)

under breasts: 39.5" (down 0.5”)

bicep: 12" (down 0.5”)

@ belly button: 37.5" (down 1”)

hips: 37.5" (down 0.5” this year)

butt @ widest point: 40.5" (no change)

thigh: 23" (no change)

calf: 16" (down 0.5” this year)

Body Fat: 20%

Ok. So there was little to no change in my stats/measurements from January to February, which totally pissed me off, and I didn’t even take any in March. I knew that I had to record my measurements on April 1^st or I would run the risk of veering off track again, and it looks like I am making some progress.

The fact that everyone keeps commenting that I get thinner every time they see me reinforces that there is a decrease in weight (yay!) and inches in most places. This of course excites me. I really did get back in the groove again (when I wasn’t working 14 to 16 hours a day) and tried my best to get my butt to the gym and to stay on track with my healthy eating. Though at the same time I also did not really deny myself any foods. This kind of amazes me. I had some snack/junk foods (back to work means the craft services table calling your name and enticing you all day) and a lot of sweet potato fries (so good!). But I guess that’s the other side of the weight loss equation: the healthy attitude. I knew what I was doing. I wasn’t mindlessly snacking, and was still able to balance it all out over the course of the day. And really telling yourself that certain foods, or types of foods, are off limits is never a good way to go about things. You’ve gotta live a little.

I also started adding weight training to my exercise plan. For the longest time I focused solely on cardio, figuring that I had enough muscle mass already, and that when I was working my job involved all sorts of heavy lifting, so why bother with weights in the gym? But then I realized that I needed to at least do some light weight lifting if only just to maintain the amount that I do have. I was working on a TV show with a former pro-wrestler, and he was telling a story about lifting weight with Schwarzenegger back in the day. This is back when both guys were absolutely ripped. The wrester was killing himself trying to bench press a huge amount of weight and then noticed Arnold not really struggling at all on his sets and lifting a lot less weight on his bar. He asked what was up, and Arnold explained that the muscle mass was already there, now he just had to keep the blood flowing to the muscles to maintain it. Something totally clicked with me when I heard that story.

So, besides the sore muscles, I am happy that I came around and added it into my routine. I never ever want to look like a body builder or one of the guys you see in Men’s Health or other fitness magazines, the guys that are just completely yoked, but some muscle definition would be quite all right. I guess that for me I never want to be “large” again. I have been the biggest guy in the room already and even if I were all muscle and no fat whatsoever, I don’t want to deal with being that size.

What is interesting/confusing is that my body fat percentage hasn’t really changed. Currently at 20%, it was at 19% back in November when I was originally @ 195 pounds. Right now, I weight the same as I did then, and have been adding the weight lifting, but have not seen a drop in body fat percentage. Granted, I am using a bathroom scale to measure BF%, so who knows how reliable that thing really is? For now I won’t let it bother me.

I suppose that’s it. It has been a mixture of steady work, working out when I can (basically any day I’m not working or if I have the chance after work) and maintaining a healthy diet. I’m still on the way to FINALLY achieving my weight loss goal and being happy with the state of my body. I’m so close I can feel it.

-FQ

P.S. All photos by Ohm Phanphiroj.

P.P.S. Some upcoming posts that I need to get out of my head on “on paper.” They are all closely interrelated so I think I will have to do them one right after the other.

- Hook-ups & Hang-ups (and I suppose a survey of my sexual history)

- Letting go of the inner fat kid

- Self Confidence & Self Perception

I'm Starting With the Man in the Mirror

2010-01-26T01:17:00.000-08:00

Da da dee da dum dum dee dum dum . . . DYSMORPHIA. (thanks Rihanna’s songwriting team for your song that sums up my mental state)

I kind of always figured that I suffered from body dysmorphia (DEFINITION: Body Dysmorphic Disorder is a preoccupation with the appearance of a certain part of the body), but now I am absolutely 100% positive. It has taken about a year or so to come to this realization. Let’s start at the very beginning; a very good place to start.

My whole life (practically) I was aware that I was bigger than the other kids, if not the biggest. It was readily apparent.

When I was tipping the scale at somewhere just over 300 F*ing pounds I knew I was large but I never thought I was massive. I mean I wasn’t so large that my gravitational pull had objects orbiting around me. I always thought I looked thinner than the numbers on the scale would lead one to picture. I even had friends that would peg me in the 250-275 pound range. That was always nice because I felt like while number wise there were a lot of pounds to lose, image wise I was already ahead of the game.

Never in my life have I felt “skinny.” In fact I hate the word. Detest it! It has such a negative connotation. When I reached the 250 lbs. mark in 2003 I was feeling good but never skinny, not even thin. I knew I was thinner but still felt like my corpulent self.

The problem is that I see myself in the mirror every damn day. I can’t tell how much less space I take up. In my head I am still 300+ pounds. When I see me in the mirror I still see the problem areas (the hint of breasts, a little pudge around the pubic mound, and residual belly fat). We are talking a loss of more than 100 lbs to date, and yet all I see are the same problems that have made me insecure my whole life.

Now, deep down I realize that I am waaaay smaller than I previously was. I get it. I comprehend that people don’t even recognize me. I get that my best friend tells me I am “so skinny,” which is a way of saying, “you were massive and now you’re not.” But every time that word is uttered it makes me want to slap a bitch! What about thin? Slim? Healthy? Any other word choice would suffice.

A few weeks ago a friend’s mom referred to me as “svelte.” This immediately made me smile because I LOVE that word (I am weird and really like languages, especially my native language and appreciate others who make use of all the words their language has to offer).

Last month I attended a party where there were a lot of old college friends and acquaintances. One guy later told one of my closer friends that he didn’t even recognize me, and that is why he looked at me funny when I walked up and started chatting with him.

Just this past weekend I attended another party and decided that I wanted to do some shopping and find something new to wear (as most of the attendees were people I see often, and I don’t need a gazillion photos of me on facebook wearing the same thing all the time). To make a long(ish) story somewhat shorter, I found a shirt I really liked. They had a large so I grabbed it. Not wanting to go back in the dressing room for the fourth time I decided to just throw it on over what I was wearing (a T-shirt over a long sleeved thermal). It fit. Great I thought. Then I kept looking around and a few minutes later thought, “that shirt fit pretty easily and that was on top of two other shirts.” So I walked to the rack, found a medium, and made my way into the dressing room. IT FIT! The medium fit. Un-F*ing real. I strutted out of that dressing room like I owned the place. I can’t even tell you the last time I fit into a men’s medium shirt.

Here’s the thing. When I look in the mirror I do not see a man that wears a medium shirt. I see a man that has been in a large for 5 or 6 years (sometimes just squeaking into that large) and prior to that was an X-large. It is damn near impossible to get it through my head that I am not that man anymore. I suppose that just understanding and acknowledging the fact that there is a dichotomy in the way I see myself (my self-perception) and what I actually look like/how others see me, is a start. I am struggling to change the way I see myself. Trying to see a truer version than the image I have burned into my brain and my retinas. But I gotta tell you, it’s not easy.

-FQ

P.S. All the images are of model Bryan David Thomas, who is totally adorable. I am in love. The fist two are from DNA Magazine, the last one I unfortunately don't have any info on.

P.P.S. I just remembered that I came across an indie doc a while back that addresses the this issue as it pertains to the gay community. The film was called "Do I Look Fat" and I can't attest to it being either good or bad as I still haven't watched it. But is seems worthwhile.

YEAR END WRAP-UP: 2 years under my (shrinking) belt

2010-01-07T16:45:00.000-08:00

January 8th, 2010 marks the 2 year anniversary of the commencement of this blog. Its crazy to think that it has been that long. It is also insane to think that it has taken me that long to get to where I currently am. If that isn’t dedication I DO NOT know what is. Yeah, I fell off the horse a couple times. But, I did manage to get back on and continue to forge ahead and not allow my self to throw in the towel. So, I’d like to first do a final stats update for the year and then take some time to review the ups and downs of the past 12 months.

HEIGHT: 6'0"
WEIGHT: 202 lbs (down 46 lbs overall, 20 lbs this year)
CHEST @ NIPPLES: 42.5" (down 2” this year)
UNDER BREASTS: 40" (down 2” this year)
BICEP: 12.5" (up 0.5” this year)
@ BELLY BUTTON: 38.5" (down 2.5” this year)
HIPS: 38" (down 1” this year)
BUTT @ WIDEST POINT: 40.5" (down 2.5” this year)
THIGH: 23" (down 1” this year)
CALF: 16.5" (down 1.5” this year)
Total inches lost = 13” this year (25” overall)!

Ok. On the whole this year has been great. Really fucking great. Seriously. I am extremely proud of my determination, commitment, and successes. I knew that if I really wanted to, I could do it. I “put [my] mind to it, [went] for it, [got] down and [broke a sweat]” a lot. And I absolutely saw the results and the payoff. Hell, I just got rid of three bags worth of clothes that are now too big. That is beyond satisfying and a real confirmation of accomplishment. I am smaller. I feel healthier. I feel better. I have more confidence.

January was a little slow. I worked out, not every day but frequently enough. I also went fully vegan. My reasons were twofold: my health and the environment. I wanted to make sure I was eating enough fruits and veggies and found that by cutting out the meat I was forced to fill up on stuff that was good for me. I know I am getting significantly more vitamins and nutrients, more fiber, and I am not filling up on animal fats. I still get lots of protein, plant fats and omega-3s. I have never felt better, and rarely feel that sluggish food coma like after I would eat meat. It is also a hell of a lot greener to be veg. Cows and chickens that are raised for human consumption are “no bueno” for our planet. So, I am also doing my part on that front. I’m not trying to preach it’s just something I feel pretty strongly about. I dare people to try it. Life without meat is really not that difficult.

February and March were more of the same, ups and downs on the motivation front. I did some international travel for work, which was fantastic. And continued to live a veg lifestyle.

April is when I started to get my ass back in gear. I started out doing workouts at home using videos (Hip Hop Abs from beachbody) and Wii Fit. I also went for a lot of one hour to hour and a half walks. For whatever reason, I could not get myself to go to the actual gym. Work was sporadic and I figured that as long as I wasn’t working I might as well fill up my spare time by exercising. By May I was back on track and in the habit of working out again. I started the workout calendar, which helped me stay on course and log my hours. Being a very visual individual, it was nice to look at all the little boxes that I had marked with a “check mark” or an “X.” Each one representing a small “battle against the bulge” either won or lost in the overall war on body fat.

My determination continued full steam ahead through the summer and by the end of August I had more than met my goal of being 205 lbs by August 15th. I did have some motivation that really forced me to push myself further than I normally would have otherwise; but hey it worked! Part was a move to the “gayborhood,” and the other was a vacation I wanted to look good for.
(***I’ll elaborate upon my thoughts on living in WeHo later***)

The fall was the beginning of the slump. The final stretch that was the last season of the year was not so fantastic. While I wanted to end the year on a high note I allowed myself to settle into a slump that I didn’t get out of until after X-mas. September brought with it another international business trip, and thus two weeks without a gym (though, I did manage to stay on track dietarily and walked all over the place, often while carrying heavy equipment). October was another slow work month and I was actually pretty good about exercising regularly. By the end of the month I was at 195 lbs. I was taken aback. I had finally broken the 200 lbs mark for the first time since I was 14. That was major, and it made me feel like a million dollars. Then it all went down hill. I allowed myself to fall into a funk and I couldn’t shake my bad case of the "fuck-its." On the one hand I felt like, “whatever, I can do whatever I want. I’m 195 lbs. I kick ass. I don’t have to try so hard now.” On the other, I just couldn’t get motivated. From early November to just after X-mas I believe I made it to the gym a total of 10 times. While I was working a bit here and there and getting some physical activity it was substantially less than the previous months. Add to that my lack of concern for diet (hello holidays and all your delicious treats) and what I got is gaining back some of the weight I had worked so hard to purge myself of.

So here I am at the end of the second year of this blog having lost nearly 50 lbs (at one point it was more than 50) and feeling a whole lot better.
Am I kicking myself in the ass for gaining some weight back? Yep.
Am I going to take that anger and disappointment in myself and, rather than get all depressed and discouraged, use it to stay on track and remember the goal I set out to achieve? Fuck yeah! Home stretch here I come.

-FQ

P.S. The boy in the first 2 pictures are by Greg Vaughan and the 3rd is by Matthias Vriens-McGrath. And the pool theme is something I will delve into next post.

P.P.S. Another exciting event took place this year. I lost my blog comment V-card. So thank you Daveinthe805 for being my first.

Update. Sometimes I actually get around to doing these.

2009-11-08T19:28:00.000-08:00

I know I say it all the time, but seriously, TIME FLIES! I cannot believe that it is November already. And I wasn’t necessarily distracted by tons of fun either. Not that it was an awful three months. It was just merely another three months.

I failed to meet my goal to be 190 lbs by Halloween. Bummer. But I’m not super upset because I made it to 195 lbs! That’s right, I broke the 200 mark. Fuck yeah! I remember being 180 lbs at the start of my freshman year of high school and know that somewhere over the course of that year I ballooned to well over 200. So it has been a long time since I weighed this little. Just being less than 200 lbs is amazing for me psychologically. There is this crazy sense of accomplishment; for a long time I didn’t think I would ever make it this low again. I was in the 200 range for so long it is weird (and a little awesome) to punch in my weight on the machines at the gym and not have to scroll forever to get there. It really is the little things.

So, back to my failure (I don’t feel like a failure though), I totally dropped the ball when it came to working out regularly. I worked a decent amount so there was physical activity going on, and by the end of a long day there is pretty much no chance of me feeling like going to the gym. Out of the question. But when I wasn’t working I was kind of lazy, at one point even apathetic. There was a period where I went longer than an entire week without setting foot in the gym or officially exercising in any way. The good thing was I was able to get myself out of that funk and get my ass back in gear. I finally made myself go to the gym and get on a gosh-darn treadmill and get back to work. And then like I always do, I congratulated myself on a job well done. This is something that I view as über important. I really think we need to take the time to compliment ourselves more. We need to point out the positive, not dwell on the negative, and pat ourselves on the back a little more.

New goal: Stay on track and manage to not undo my progress during the holiday season.

Here are the updated stats as of November 6, 2009:
Weight: 195 lbs
*and according to my scale my body fat is @ 19%
chest @ nipples: 42" (down 1" from last update; 6" overall)
under breasts: 39" (down 0.5" from last month; 5" overall)
bicep: 12"/12" (down 1" and now it will be time to start bulking them back up with muscle, not fat)
@ belly button: 38" (down 0.5" from last update; 7" overall)
hips: 37.5" (down 0.5" since last time; 4.5" overall)
butt @ widest point: 40" (down 1.5" from last time; 6.5" overall)
thighs: 23" (no change; 2.5" overall )
calf: 16.5" (a change!)

-FQ

P.S. How freaking hot is this man? Wow! He has a cute smile, phenomenal body, and I don't even need to mention the package do I? His name is Adam (apparently) and the photos are by Rick Day.

Is there anybody out there?

2009-09-09T22:39:00.001-07:00

I have noticed that there has been some more traffic on my blog lately and I would like to know more about the people who might be reading it.

How did you come across it? Will you come back?

I would love for someone to leave a comment or even go so far as to email me. It would be nice to know if there are any other fat queers out there and whats on their mind.

-FQ

AND THE MONTHS KEEP FLYING BY

2009-09-06T21:17:00.000-07:00

Holy F Balls, this year is damn near over. It is practically Halloween, then right around the corner is Thanksgiving, and then the next thing you know its "the holidays" and New Year's. Insanity.

Funny, but all I can think about now is the fact that this is the time of year when people start packing on the pounds. Summer is drawing to a close and thus less pressure to look good in a bathing suit, and all the holidays involve hanging out and eating (usually while watching football). This of course is just in time to realize that you need to make a New Year's resolution (you know, the one to lose weight so you can look hot in a bathing suit again). Vicious cycle.

Anyway, another month has passed. I have not made any new progress (well, maybe I did, but then I went and undid it). Although I have not gone and fucked it all up either. The starts are the same as last month (weight and measurements). So, in essence I am maintaining. Not exactly what I was aiming to do, but it sure as hell beats gaining weight back (been there done that, not all its cracked up to be).

See, I spent the first half of the month (August) working hard and going to the gym all the time. Then about mid month I left for a vacation. And while I still went to the gym (not everyday), walked a ton, and did other physical activities (sadly, none of which involved getting laid) I also had dessert most every night and splurged more than usual. But I maintained, so I am NOT complaining.

I've already stated that I more than met my 08/15/09 goal, still so proud of myself for that, and now I want to set a new one. There is no way in hell I am gaining any weight this Holiday season. And to make sure of that I am going to set a goal to be 190 pounds by Halloween. To achieve this I will not do any fad diets or master cleanses. Just pure hard work and healthy eating. It is funny how ingrained it is in me now to eat healthily. I was on vacation and while everyone else (others on the ship, not my family or anyone I knew) was gorging and stuffing their faces, I was conservative. I had my egg white omelette with veggies and salsa from the buffet others were piling on lobster meat, sausage, ham, and truck loads of cheese. One lady even had the gall to call me out to everyone within earshot, "He's eating t0o healthy for a cruise." I bit my tongue and thought, "Bitch, that's why my entire body doesn't jiggle every time I take a step and I only have one chin." Seriously, girl was big. And the thing was I never felt as though I was depriving myself. I ate what I wanted (desserts were soooooo yummy) and basically ate just like I do at home. Why do I need to consume everything in sight just because its "free" and I'm on vacation?

*10 lbs. in two months. That shouldn't be too hard considering the progress I have been making, but I am expecting a plateau pretty soon. As they say, "THE LAST 10 LBS. IS THE HARDEST."
Bring it on. I am ready to make it happen (and I do hope this is the last ten).

-FQ

One mini goal down. Another one to go.

2009-08-06T14:38:00.000-07:00

Another month gone. More progress made. I ALREADY MET MY GOAL OF 205 LBS (two whole weeks before my target date). Fucking KICK-ASS!

It is funny to see the results on the scale (sometimes I have trouble believing the scale) and in the mirror because it doesn't feel like work anymore. I just do it; its an everyday part of my life.

The healthy, vegetarian (for the most part) predominantly organic diet is working well for me. I really feel a lot better not eating meat. The exercise is good. It makes me feel energized and all that, but also feel better about myself. I guess it's really affected me mind, body, and soul.

Fortunately work has started to pick up as of late, though that means less time for the gym. So its a trade off. On the one side I have money (this is a good thing) but I also have tempting craft services all day long and not as much time to hit the gym. Good thing my job is physical.

All in all I am really happy with the progress I have made over the last few months. I knew that if I was determined and set my mind to it (again), I could accomplish my goal. I have lost a lot of weight in the past and now am finally finishing the long journey.

However the one thing that "sucks," and I put it in quotes because there are a lot of worse things, is that I am running out of clothes to wear. Everything is a bit to baggy now. Shirts, pants, shorts, etc. All of my clothes are not fitting and I don't want to look like a mess when I'm out and about or at the gym wearing over sized clothes; NOT CUTE! But on the other side of this tricky coin is the fact that I also don't want to go out and spend a bunch of money on new clothes that look good for now but are not going to fit right in two months. The thing is that as a gay guy there is so much pressure to constantly look good. Its insane and drives me crazy. Sometimes I just don't want to care dammit. I may have to suck it up (so to speak) and buy some clothes to gt me through the changes. We'll see.

Here are the updated stats as of August 2, 2009:
Weight: 204 lbs (the scale was between 202 & 205 on various days from the 1st thru the 3rd so I chose the higher middle #)
*and according to my scale my body fat is @ 20%
chest @ nipples: 43" (down 1" from last month; 5" overall)
under breasts: 39.5" (down 1.5" from last month; 4.5" overall)
bicep: 13"/13" (essentially no change, but I'm OK with that)
@ belly button: 38.5" (down 1.5" from last week; 6.5" overall)
hips: 38" (down 1" from last month; 4" overall)
butt @ widest point: 41.5" (no change from last month (WTF?); 5" overall)
thighs: 23" (down 0.5" from last month; 2.5" overall )
calf: 17"

-FQ

P.S. How adorable is J.P. Calderon? Seriously.

Another Update

2009-07-02T21:51:00.000-07:00

Its the 2nd day of the month and thus it is time for another update. Time to post the vital stats. I am really enjoying this schedule I have created for myself. I like only measuring once a month as it gives me something to look forward to, and work toward. Plus keeping the progress calendar is super helpful. It keeps me honest. Plus, there is a definite sense of pride and
accomplishment in seeing all the days with"gym" or "hike" or whatever form of physical activity written in the square. So, without further adieu, here are the stats as of July 1, 2009.

As of July 1, 2009:
Weight: 215 lbs (the scale was between 214 & 215 so I chose the higher #)
chest @ nipples: 44" (down 1" from last month; 4" overall)
under breasts: 41" (down 1" from last month; 3" overall)
bicep: 13"/13" (essentially no change, but I'm OK with that)
@ belly button: 40" (down 1" from last month; 5" overall)
hips: 39" (no change, I can feel my hip bones poking out, so I doubt this is going to decrease much more; 3" overall)
butt @ widest point: 41.5" (down 1" from last month; 5" overall)
thighs: 23.5" (down 0.5" from last month; 2" overall )
calf: 17"

I lost 5 lbs! I kick ass. Seriously. I do. I mean it. That is some fucking dedication and determination. It probably could have been more but I went out drinking a little more than I probably should have last month. That of course is neither good for the waistline or the pocketbook. However, I burned off 5 lbs. I burned off 5 lbs.

Whats really F*ing cool is that I am starting to see muscle definition in areas I just saw flab. My thighs are firmer and there is more definition. I can see the outline of my pecs (mostly the top half, there is still moobyness going n there). I can see my F*ing rib cage, its starting to show through. Now that is rad. I am just so happy with myself; that I am following through, eating healthily, and working out (25 out of 30 days in June) and seeing this through.

I look forward to meeting my August 15th goal. And then winning the battle against those last 10 lbs.

-FQ

P.S. Thanks to GUAPO Magazine for the images.

Poquito Menos

2009-06-12T20:53:00.000-07:00

A complete stranger totally made my day.

After working out I stopped into my favorite Baja style Mexican food place in LA to pick up some dinner on my way home. I go this place at least once a week, whenever I am feeling like I want "a little more" than what those other places have to offer. Its like a Baja Fresh or Sharky's but a thousand million times better. It had been about two weeks since my last visit though because I was out of town and stuff, and I was totally craving it.

Anyway, I walked in and walked right up to the counter. Without hesitation the lady at the register called out my order to the cooks and rung me up. She is this cute Mexican girl; early twenties, nice smile, a little meat on her bones, and she's always super friendly and cheery. As we are waiting for my receipt to print she asks me in her cute accent, "Are you on a diet?" To which I honestly reply, "No." She says, "Ohh, you look more skinny. More (insert the picture below)." She did the arm thing and made the little puckered lip face and everything. It made me laugh. And I said, "Oh, well thanks."

So great. Totally made my day. I have been working my ass off for the past couple months and things are going pretty well. I mean, this person who is essentially a stranger was able to notice a change, which is a really good sign. That was exactly the boost I needed going into pride weekend here in Los Angeles where all the hottest men will be running around in speedos.

-FQ

"My Body Is A Cage"

2009-06-09T23:18:00.000-07:00

Today, while at the gym, "My Body Is A Cage" by Arcade Fire popped on my iPod. I love AF and this song never really got much attention from me. That is until today. I heard it with brand new ears.

Check out the video here.

My body is a cage that keeps me
From dancing with the one I love
But my mind holds the key

My body is a cage that keeps me
From dancing with the one I love
But my mind holds the key

I'm standing on a stage Of fear and self-doubt
It's a hollow play
But they'll clap anyway

My body is a cage that keeps me
From dancing with the one I love
But my mind holds the key

You're standing next to me
My mind holds the key

I'm living in an age
That calls darkness light
Though my language is dead
Still the shapes fill my head

I'm living in an age
Whose name I don't know
Though the fear keeps me moving
Still my heart beats so slow

My body is a cage that keeps me
From dancing with the one I love
But my mind holds the key

You're standing next to me
My mind holds the key
My body is a

My body is a cage
We take what we're given
Just because you've forgotten
That don't mean you're forgiven

I'm living in an age
That screams my name at night
But when I get to the doorway
There's no one in sight

My body is a cage that keeps me
From dancing with the one I love
But my mind holds the key

You're standing next to me
My mind holds the key

Set my spirit free
Set my spirit free
Set my body free

So, the lyrics that really hit me I've decided to bold. For so long I have allowed my body to be a cage that has held me back in more ways than one. I have never really dated, only hooked up with a couple guys (and it wasn't very easy to let go of my inhibitions), and basically written myself off as undesirable (more on that later). For way too long I let myself get caught up in a vicious cycle of negative thinking. By being overweight (see posts here & here) I felt horrible about myself, which kept me unmotivated (major defeatist attitude), which kept me fat, and so on and so on. Blah. What a shitty fucking cycle.

The mind is seriously powerful. It is the key to everything. The saying "mind over matter" comes to mind, as does stuff like "The Secret," Eckhart Tolle, and crap like that. But really, the mind is the control center and it is amazing just how at its mercy we are. The good thing is we can choose to only listen to some of what the mind is telling us, the positive stuff, and ignore the rest. I'm OK with being at the mercy of a positive thinking, self-affirming mind.

In my case it was allowing myself to admit I am gay (and over time embrace it) and realize that I needed to stop allowing the self sabotage. Then realize that I could not allow myself to be intimate with someone until I was comfortable with myself, which meant losing a lot of weight. Plus, all the health issues associated with obesity are no fun and I didn't want to deal with a heart attack at 25 or diabetes.

At some point, back in 2002, I finally got my shit together and decided to do something. And through a few ups and downs (but mostly downs; it's weight loss, get it?) I have managed to work off over 100 lbs. That fucking rocks! That is a major feat. Once I got over all my hang ups, I was able to let my mind be the key to both unlock my body from its cage, and keep me on the path to better health and self-esteem.

-FQ

P.S. After all my bitching about not getting hit on by guys, I totally did last weekend when I was out in WeHo. Yay!

It's A Numbers Game

2009-06-01T16:45:00.000-07:00

Weight loss. It's just a numbers game. Calories in. calories out. If you have more calories coming in than out, you gain weight (and vice versa). And as the saying goes, "Weight is just a number."

Considering this, I wanted to see what the numbers look like in my own personal weight loss numbers game.

Let me break it down:

My current weight is 220 lbs.
My current body fat percentage is 25% (according to my bathroom scale; who knows how accurate that is?).
That means that 55 lbs are fat (kinda gross) and my Lean Body Mass (LBM) is 165 lbs.

Now, if a healthy body fat percentage for a guy in his twenties is 13 –18% that means that I need to reduce my body fat percentage by a minimum of 7%.

Taking into account my LBM, if I were at 18% body fat I would weigh 200-202 lbs (35-37 of them fat). If I were at 13% body fat I would weigh 190 lbs (25 of which would be fat).

Now, I honestly believe that my “ideal” is 15% (a weight of 195 lbs, 30 lbs Of fat) and that is what I am going to shoot for. This of course means that I have 25 lbs to lose still. That sounds a bit daunting. However, I can do this shit. I am so ready to make it happen.

The thing about the body fat percentage is that is based on the ratio of fat and LBM. The numbers I have listed above are based on my current LBM and if I continue to work out like I am and increasing my lean muscle mass those numbers will obviously change. Though, either way I think that 25 lbs is a good goal to set.

My original goal of reaching 205 lbs by August 15th still stands. Then shed those last 10 hopefully by October, but I’ll cross that bridge when I get there.
Continuing on with the numbers game I wanted to figure out just how many calories I need to burn to get rid of those 25 lbs.

Here’s the breakdown:

1 lb is the equivalent of 3,500 calories.
I have 25 extra pounds to get rid of.
That means I need to burn 87,500 calories! Holy shit!

But to put that into perspective, since I started this blog I have lost 28 lbs (98,000 calories). And since I started this process many years ago, when I weighed over 300 lbs, I have burned upwards of 350,000 extra calories. That makes the final stretch of this long journey seem like a drop in the bucket.

If I continue to work hard like I have been, both diet and exercise wise, and maintain a minimum of a 5,250-calorie deficit at the end of each week, I will lose 1.5 lbs each week and totally meet my August 15th goal.

-FQ

Weekly Wrap Up: Week ? - I've lost count

2009-06-01T11:15:00.000-07:00

I have started a new progress-tracking schedule. I implemented it at the beginning of May as a way to make sure that I don't stress about weighing myself too frequently, or not enough, and that I take measurements regularly rather than every so often. So the plan is: Weigh-Ins are every Monday morning. Measurements are taken on the first of every month. Simple and easy to follow, right?

To keep track of all this I have also created a progress calendar. This is something I used to do a few years ago (when I went from over 300 lbs. to around 255 lbs.). On this calendar I mark my daily physical activity, whether it be going to the gym, going for a jog/walk, swimming, etc. I also write my weight in the box every Monday and then I have a separate form for measurements. Because of the calendar I can report that I exercised 22 out of the 31 days in May (and that isn't even accounting for the days I worked, all kinds of physical labor, but didn't do any extra exercise).

So how are things going so far? Not too badly. Since I last reported here, way back in January, my weight had managed to go up a bit. This pissed me off, made me angry, a little depressed, and then forced me to take action. So, while I wasn't all that excited about posting my stats I did have a renewed sense of motivation and drive (hence the latter half of the Seth Rogan post).

As of June 1, 2009:
Weight: 220 lbs. (at the beginning of May I was back up to 226)
chest @ nipples: 45"
under breasts: 42"
bicep: 12.5"/13"
@ belly button: 41"
hips: 39"
butt @ widest point: 42.5"
thigh: 24"
calf: 17"

220 lbs. is still my lowest weight. I am really looking to break the 220 mark! I remember being 243 lbs. and dreaming of breaking the 240 mark. So fucking fantastic that I am where I am now. I am getting closer to my goal, and it’s about damn time.

-FQ

I am sick and tired of getting hit on . . .

2009-05-30T11:13:00.000-07:00

BY WOMEN! Seriously. What the hell is going on here? Not that it isn't a little flattering and all but why ONLY women?

Can I just get hit on by a guy once? Is that too much to ask?

This also goes for all my straight girl friends telling me, "If you were straight I would date you," or, even worse, "Why do you have to be gay?" What the hell? I might slap the next bitch that asks me that.

Uhhh, I was made that way, sorry. And you really aren't making it any easier to be gay by illustrating that if I were straight I would probably already be hitched (because it's actually legal to).

Last weekend I went out with some friends; dinner, some other crap, and then a gay club. There was a friend of a friend (a gay guy) who showed up, and he was pretty cute. We didn't get to talk much during dinner but the damn woman sitting next to me (a complete stranger not with our party) couldn't stop making physical contact and flirting with me. As she got up to leave she put a hand on my shoulder to get my attention, announced her departure, and lingered waiting for me to make a movie. When I didn't and only offered a polite "goodbye" and a smile, she made her way out of the restaurant. The dude, I don't know if he rreally even noticed I was there.

Now I realize that I am not the first thing one would think of as every gay guys wet dream (the guy above is more on par), and as such I understand that I am not going to get hit on by every gay man I come across. However, it might be nice to have one or two show some interest. It has taken years of hard work to just be able to get to the point where I can allow myself to be open to flirting, dating, hooking up, etc.

Now I just need a guy to make a move. Lord knows I won't be the one to do it.

-FQ

*Picture courtesy of Attitude Magazine.

I want to know how Seth "Svelte" Rogan did it!

2009-04-15T16:26:00.000-07:00

I was on Towleroad or some other blog and saw pictures of "Svelte Rogan" and seriously, I need to know what he was doing. He was in this tight(ish) red hoodie and I just couldn't believe m eyes. I mean this guy was big, I'm picturing him in "Knocked Up," and now he's this slender smaller version of himself. Damn. Good for him, but how'd he do it?

Before:

After:

Anyway, things are going OK for me. I haven't taken measurements recently or jumped on the scale in the last two weeks but people keep commenting. And I like that!

Last month I had the opportunity of working with someone I worked with back in 2005 (my !st job out of school, the one I was laid off from) and we hadn't seen each other since. I saw her at call in the morning and then at the end of the day I was turning in my start paperwork and we were catching up and she just blurts out of nowhere; "Holy Shit! What have you been doing? You look Great. You look so healthy. What the fuck?"

I just laughed for a sec and smiled. I told her the deal, how I've been working at it for a while. That the job change helped and of course finally committing. It felt so fucking good. I was beaming on the inside.

Last week I went to a movie with my best friend and her brother, we hadn't seen each other in a couple weeks, and the first words he said were; "Every time I see you there is a little less to see."
Then she adds, "You look skinny." I brushed it off, but it felt good to hear from them. I mean, skinny? I'm 6'0" and 220. I wouldn't exactly say skinny, but i know what she was getting at.

And the same thing keeps happening every time I run into people I haven't seen for a bit. It is definitely motivation to keep going. Keep eating right (the vegetarian thing is totally working out and not nearly as difficult as people think. Plus, its better for the planet) and I am working out @ least 5 times per week, and mixing it up.

I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I can see the finish line, and that it is actually within reach.
So now I have a new goal. This time I am putting a date on it so that I have a way to monitor my progress and target to shoot for. I would like to be down to 205 lbs. by August 15, 09. That is 4 months to lose 15 lbs; very reasonable.

Yep. It's on now. And I am going to make it happen.
now I just get some updated stats to go off of.

-FQ

P.S. Thanks to JUST JARED & JEWSSIP for the images.

Year One Wrap-Up

2009-01-31T11:05:00.000-08:00

Its been a year since I started this journey. An entire year. Unbelievable. I'm now a little less fat queer. I've made a lot of progress over the last twelve months and I can definitely see the finish line. That shit is in sight. I also know the places where I slacked and could have done a better job of staying on track, and that is helping me to push on forward.

Where I went right:

Going to the gym/getting exercise when I'm not working. Making sure to get off my ass and get some activity in when I finally have time off from my physically taxing job. Sometimes that is the hardest thing to do, but I always feel better afterward and I make sure to let myself know that I am proud of me for doing it.
Eating right. Making healthy choices, passing up the junk (most of the time). Eating organic (why put all those hormones, chemicals, and preservatives in your body?). And eating vegetarian most of the time (I aim for 3/4 vegetarian, 1/4 not each week) which is also a "greener" way to live.
Allowing myself to splurge every once in awhile. If you deny yourself of everything "bad" you only set yourself up for failure. It will only be a matter of time before you splurge big time.

Where I could have done better:

There were times where I fell of the wagon. Luckily they were short periods of time, but none the less I fell.
I definitely could have blogged more which would have forced me to record my stats and more closely monitor my progress. I really need that constant reminder and motivation to keep up the good work.

And so here it is. My results after a year. Ive lost 26 lbs! And I've lost over 20" around my body. I feel like the incredible shrinking me!

THE RESULTS (so far):
height: 6'0"
weight: 222
chest @ nipples: 44.5"
under breasts: 42"
bicep: 12"
at belly button: 41"
hips: 39"
butt @ widest point: 43"
thigh: 24"
calf: 18"

-FQ

I BLOW . . .

2009-01-20T02:17:00.000-08:00

at being a blogger. Get your damn mind outta the damn gutter.

It has been forever since my last confession, I mean post. However I have tons of stuff to post, tons of ideas floating around in my head, and some success to document. Its just a matter of finding the time and energy to put it all down on paper, or whatever this electronic ish is. For my own good I have to get some stuff off my chest, and outta my head. Many posts coming in the next week.

I'm excited! Again, outta the gutter.

-FQ

Weekly Wrap-up: Week 6, and 7, and 8 (all the way thru 17)

2008-05-07T10:59:00.000-07:00

First thing right off the bat I have to post my current stats:

As of May 7th 2008:
height: 6'0"
weight: 235 lbs (down 13 lbs.)
chest @ nipples: 46.5" (down 1.5”)
under breasts: 43" (down 1”)
bicep: 13" (down 1”)
at belly button: 42" (down 3”)
hips: 40.5" (down 1.5”)
butt @ widest point: 44" (down 2.5”)
thigh: 24.5" (down 1”)
calf: 17" (down 0.5” – I really wasn’t expecting much there)
Total inches lost = 12!

Oh how time flies right by. I knew it had been a while since I last posted, but really 11 weeks? I am such a procrastinator. The thing is, as soon as the strike ended and work picked up again it didn’t stop. I worked on two features back to back, which was great but left me with very little free time. The long hours and physical labor involved also make the weekends nothing more than a veg fest. All I had the energy to do was relax and take it easy. But all that aside, I have lost 15 pounds since I started the blog back in January! I am so happy. Over the last year my weight has fluctuated from the low 240s to about 250 lbs. This is the first time I have dropped below the 240 mark, and I couldn’t be happier. Not since early in high school (when I was about 5” shorter) have I weighed this little. I can’t stop smiling as I type this.

Ok, so back to the work issue. Holy shit is it tough to stay focused on eating healthy at work. Every day there is some new high sugar, high fat snack to tempt me. At breakfast I am really good. For me it is all about loading up on fruit at breakfast. Lunch, I skip all the red meats and the bad sauces and that crap. I eat a pretty good size salad and have some chicken or fish. But there’s always a desert (or two). WTF? It is really tough to just walk past the desert trays. Most of the time I am successful.
Note: I did not take this picture, I snagged it from this blog, http://downanddirtydv.blogspot.com, which you should check out if you are interested in the film making process.

That seems bad enough but then all day there is craft services just a few steps away from set (where we are shooting). Good lord. Candy, donuts, pastries, chips, and random “snacks” that are always bad for you; it’s not always easy to reach for the veggies (sans dip) when the bowl of peanut M&Ms is right there calling my name. The only way I survive is to be all responsible and shit throughout the day and allow myself one “bad” snack (because really it’s damn near impossible to resist when they are there all day). I also bring my own healthy snacks so that I have more options to choose from.

The great thing is all the physical labor involved in my job. It is basically non-stop moving around all day; carrying and moving heavy objects, and lots of walking. This has proven to be a huge benefit to me, and achieving my goals. As much as I would love to go to the gym everyday my schedule doesn’t exactly make that easy, an by the time I am done with work I am exhausted from all the running around, and thus don’t feel the need to. Though, not everyday is so active and on those days I want to start walking for a 1/2 hour to hour after work. Gotta keep eating healthy and staying focused.

15 pounds. I am finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. I can see the finish line (and me looking all healthy and hot). It all feels so doable and like I am finally really doing it, and completing what I started a few years ago. AND THAT IS A GREAT FEELING.

- FQ

And here is a hot picture of a very hot man:

Thoughts on Growing Up FAT & GAY

2008-02-18T23:40:00.000-08:00

I knew at a very young age that I was fat. Around three or four I started packing on extra pounds. I knew that I was different than my cousins and friends; I could tell that I was bigger. They also had a knack for making that perfectly clear. Kids are brutally honest and outspoken. I also knew at a young age that I was gay (more details on that some other time). It must have been around four when I realized I was attracted to other boys, but I didn’t have a clue what that meant or that there was a name to go with my feelings. But then for many years my attraction to the same sex was not present and I even had crushes on girls (gross, I know).
The thing is, growing up fat I always wanted to be thin. I was constantly envious of the other boys at school and my friends, the ones who could eat whatever they wanted and never had to worry about losing their naturally athletic bodies. Growing up in Southern California there was never a lack of hot skaters or surfers, with their lean muscular bodies on display, to fawn over. As I got older the pressure to be thin was even greater. There was nothing that I wanted more than to have that body. Every summer was the time I would start a new diet and/or exercise plan in hopes of coming back to school in the fall a newer hotter version of myself. Every summer I failed. In fact I not only failed, I managed to pack on more weight each year (self sabotage, check out earlier posts here, here, & here).
Junior high, more specifically the summer after eighth grade, is when I last remember having a crush on a girl. She was the new girl in the neighborhood and she was very attractive (tall, thin, blonde and tan). We always ran into each other at the pool, which was super embarrassing because I was fat and insecure, and she was always nice and sociable. Once freshman year started she was quickly integrated into the popular clique and any interaction, if I could ever muster up the courage, was not going to happen. By sophomore year I was starting to realize that I was spending a lot of time looking at guys. I started to explore the internet at home and during school hours managed to become infatuated with a few of my classmates. One was a guy named Nick. He was tall, lean, muscular(ish), a skater, and a baseball player. He had a shaved head and dark features. He was my 2nd period crush. There was another, Mike, who was in my Lit class. And another, Matt, in my Chem class. And Galen in Spanish. In nearly every class there was a guy who provided a nice diversion from the monotony of high school. What was hard for me to figure out was whether I was besotted with them because I was envious, or because I was attracted.
Toward the end of high school I had finally realized that I was queer. From that point onward any attraction to a guy was not just “he’s hot, he’s smart . . .” but also “I wish I had that body.” The two were intrinsically intertwined.
Which brings me to my question (one I have thought about a lot over the past couple years): does growing up fat increase the likelihood of being gay?

I know that for me being queer was a part of who I was from a young age. I “knew” from the time I was a toddler. This leads me to think that there is some validity to the argument for a genetic component. But at the same time I wonder if all the time (and we are talking years here) spent gawking at and desiring the bodies of other boys has also played its part. Did it increase my odds? Is it a contributing factor? Is it similar to smoking increasing one’s chance of getting lung cancer? It has become hard to separate the desire to obtain and the desire to have. Did it slowly evolve into an attraction or was I always attracted and just unaware, or willing to admit it? Not that I regret being gay, I do not, but I do wonder if there is any link.

-FQ

Weekly Wrap-up: Week 5

2008-02-12T14:30:00.000-08:00

Woo-hoo! I lost another pound. One little pound, it doesn't seem like much but that is equal to 3,500 calories, and that is a much larger number, which makes it seem a little more substantial. Any pound lost (actually worked off, its not like it just disappeared on its own) is an accomplishment, and another small battle won. Only about 160,000 more calories to go!

So how did I do it this week?

I worked out damn near every day for at least one hour. Going to the gym, walking, using exercise videos (Beachbody's Hip Hop Abs), and even doing a kick boxing class. Yes I am a bit sore, and yeah, there are blisters on my feet, but they are just tiny battle wounds that will go away in time.

I continued to work on portion control and making healthy choices. I snacked on fruit and veggies over crackers or other junk. I ate lots of veggies, drank lots of water, and focused on keeping up on organic, whole grain, natural foods. No more weird chemical ingredients in my meals, that is just not necessary.

I think the other part of this week that played a big part in my success was keeping my head in the game. One thing I have realized over the years of struggling with my weight is that you really have to commit. It really means that you have to constantly be thinking about your goal, and thinking thin. I think about how good it will feel to get rid of all the excess weight. I think about what I am putting into my body. I TALK MYSELF UP. I tell myself that I am proud of myself for going to the gym. I say, "Good job!" and "You did it!" I congratulate myself for making smart food choices. I really believe that staying positive, and thinking positive thoughts is the key.

One month down. A few pounds lost. A good start to a long journey. I am proud of myself.

It Sucks Being Fat

2008-02-11T14:14:00.001-08:00

Just two of the many things that bother me about being fat: man boobs and pubis fat. I guess I am just lucky, I must have great genes, and my body is so awesome, that I carry some excess weight in my breasts (man boobs, apparently also known as “moobs”) and in the pubis (sometimes referred to as a pubic mound). What does this all mean?

Man boobs are just not fun. Guys do not have breasts they have pecs. They do not have fleshy, floppy, squishy, bouncy, fat breasts. They are emasculating; they constantly make me feel like less of a man. They make finding clothes difficult, and also choosing what to wear on a daily basis a chore. They make me feel like when I first meet someone that is the first thing they notice; that they are all people can focus on when they see me. I feel like people automatically judge me based on my breasts. In essence they are a huge part of my self-consciousness and lack of self-esteem. Every time I get dressed or shower, every time I look in a mirror, so many times throughout each day, I am reminded that I have a pair of breasts. As I have been overweight nearly my entire life I have had to deal with the teasing and the worrying and the anguish of having a pair of man boobs. If nothing else, I cannot wait to be rid of my man boobs in the near future.

What has been really interesting to me is that I recently came across a website (manBoobs) that is all about love and appreciation of the man boob. At first I was taken aback, “really, you people LOVE your man boobs?” I thought. Then I got a laugh out of it and scrolled through a couple pages of pictures. But what I think is going on is that many people are using it as a sort of coping mechanism. By posting pictures, and getting compliments on your fantastic moobs, it takes away a bit of the sting and the angst one might have. Finding a place where you are accepted can make you feel good about yourself again. However, is that a good or bad thing? Are you then being enabled? Are the commenters enablers? Is it possibly deterring people from getting healthy because they feel accepted? I’m not sure.

The other thing that sucks is this mound of fat that sits right on top of my pubic region. It’s like this little bump that protrudes outward and manages to surround and crowd the penis. So what is so bad about that?

This fat pad can, in some cases, engulf the penis, effectively hiding it. It makes the penis seem smaller than it is, both while flaccid and erect. Basically the fat surrounds the penis and buries the base of it, much like a post dug into the ground. The more fat that accumulates, the less penis there seems to be. It is annoying looking down and seeing this mound, bumping out, disguising the penis, causing doubt about the actual size, and just looking plain awkward and ugly.

These are the two main issues I have with my body. They are annoyances on a daily basis, but I know that if I keep working the weight will be shed and these nuisances will be gone. Fingers crossed.

Weekly Wrap-up: Week 4

2008-02-06T21:19:00.000-08:00

My how the weeks just fly by. I cannot believe that it is already February. Anyway, this week was sort of another wash. I didn't see any significant weight loss when I got on the scale but I am feeling better. I don't know what it is exactly (the organic foods maybe?), but I'm sure it has a bit to do with the regular exercise and endorphins (blah, blah, blah), and it feels good. Last night I went out to a bar with some friends and actually felt somewhat attractive.

I managed to workout four times, actually going to the gym, and then did a bit of walking and outdoorsy stuff on two of the other days. So really, no too bad on the workout front. Food wise, I have been getting better and better at managing portions and making healthy choices. Granted, I could have done without the beers (two) and fries (a few, we're talking five to ten) last night. But hey, a guys gotta splurge sometime.

My goal for this week is to exercise (either at the gym or some other workout option) at least five times/days and to maintain the healthy responsible eating.

Weekly Wrap-up: Week 3

2008-01-29T14:28:00.001-08:00

Hmmmmm. Week three, not so hot. I did not work out as much as I wanted to, and i ate some foods I probably shouldn't have. I don't know where my motivation went, or my self control. Honestly, it would have been so easy to just walk away from the Krispy Kreme doughnut, just turnaround and walk away. Fast! But no. I didn't do that (to check out the nutrition info for this horrid place go here: http://www.krispykreme.com/varieties.html). There was also the cookie that had 7g of fat (and i had three over the course of the week).

I did make some good choices though, it wasn't all bad. I made a healthy smoothie (nonfat milk, strawberries, blueberries, a little organic chocolate syrup, and a 1/2 scoop of whey protein powder) for dessert rather than ice cream or some other junk (a K.K. doughnut?) I also reached for an apple or some veggies and hummus rather than crackers or other snack crap. So all in all not so bad, I think it all evened out (ish).

I did manage a couple one hour workouts throughout the week, but definitely slacked off and procrastinate until it was too late to to work out at all. That was pretty lame on my part.

This week I also joined FatSecret.com and PEERtrainer.com. The first one allows you to track your weight with weekly, or bi-weekly weigh ins and plots progress on a graph (as well as other cool stuff). The other is an online support group type deal. I joined a GLBT group which sounded cool. Its all about talking with others, offering hints and what has/hasn't worked for you, and providing motivation /getting motivated by them.

And finally, I weighed myself and took my body measurements. I think i will do this on a monthly basis.

As of January, 28th 2008:
height: 6'0"
weight: 248 lbs
neck (because last time I went to get a dress shirt I had no idea): 16"
chest @ nipples: 48"
under breasts: 44"
bicep: 14"
at belly button: 45"
hips: 42"
butt @ widest point: 46.5"
thigh: 25.5"
calf: 18"

So, for the following week. I need to work out at least 5 days. No questions, no excuses. Continue to not only watch, but also think about, what i am eating. As well as use online support and motivating myself to stay strong and keep working toward my goal.

MY HISTORY PART 3: College thru the present

2008-01-24T11:15:00.000-08:00

By the start of college I was somewhere over three hundred pounds. I don’t know exactly where but it was in the range of three to three fifteen. Not exactly something to be proud of. I was still working in a restaurant, carrying eighteen units per semester, and making half-assed attempts to diet and lose weight. There was Suzanne Sommers’ diet, based on her book(s), which was all about the way you combine foods. You could have carbs and veggies, proteins and veggies, but not carbs and proteins as part of the same meal. It may have worked. I don’t remember there being any significant results. There was a crazy gym regimen that did not include much discipline on the food front and didn’t amount to results either.

I continually found ways to sabotage myself and maintain my excess weight. Late night snacking, slacking off on going to the gym, or just not paying any attention to the problem and not putting any real effort toward achieving my life-long goal. It was easier to be fat than to admit I was gay. Being the first born, as well as first grandchild, there were a lot of expectations I felt I had to live up to. I didn’t want to be the fat one and the gay one. I couldn’t handle disappointing my family that much, and still thought that the weight would protect me from having to reveal my secret. Using the weight to postpone coming out, and the fear of coming out to maintain the weight, I told myself that I would come out once I lost the weight, no matter how much I hated lying.

Finally, in my third year of college I found it in me to make a real effort. I was still working at a restaurant and battling to resist the temptations that consistently provides, but I managed to make some new friends one of whom shared my goal and became my gym buddy. We would go to the gym before work. We would go after work. It didn’t matter if it was a Saturday night and we closed, we would still go. We would go to kickboxing classes, strength training classes, and occasionally yoga (which is not made for the overweight, I do not care how flexible you are). We also helped each other stay on track and not snack at work. I decided to really get serious about dieting and eating healthy. Over the course of a few months I was able to get down to 285 lbs.

Feeling pretty good about myself, and wanting to take it a step further, I decided to try Weight Watchers. My gym buddy decided to as well and together we figured out what was best to eat at work, what to stay away from, and how to work the points system so that we could still go out and drink with our co-workers on the weekends. By the end of the summer, when I was ready to transfer to a university, my weight was the lowest it had been since I was a high school sophomore. I had managed to get down to 252 lbs.

I moved out and went off to college, a wonderful world-class university in southern California, where I spent an amazing two years. The only problem was that the late nights, increased stress, food everywhere at any school function, parties, and lack of time to got to the gym meant that I started to gain some of the weight back. While I occasionally went to the gym, and walked all over campus, it wasn’t enough, and by graduation I was back up in the high 270s.

After graduating I found an job, that despite being in “the industry” was essentially and office job. It did involve a lot of walking around the building and studios but it wasn’t a substantial amount, and by the end of the day I was too tired to go to the gym and all I wanted to do was veg-out. I was really unhappy with my weight, and I was not happy in my job, and as luck would have it (if you can call it luck) I was laid off after only a few months. While being jobless sucked it did give me the chance to pursue the career I really wanted to have. I decided to just go for it and that has been the best decision I ever made. My new job(s) involve a lot of physical activity; walking, lifting, carrying, climbing, I am essentially moving around all day. And though it is tiring and exhausting, I love it and look forward to working. Within weeks I noticed my clothes were a little looser, and I had to tighten my belt another notch, and then another. The downfall (especially for someone who has trouble with snacking and overcoming the impulse to reach for junk/snack foods) is the craft services table. But over time I leaned how to avoid the shit and reach for the good stuff. I also gave up soda completely. While I had been only drinking diet soda for a couple years, I just decided one day to give it up. I literally thought, “why do I want to drink this.,” put down the soda and grabbed a water. Honestly, soda is horrible for you (more about that in a later post). Over the first year I managed to lose about 25 lbs. And since then I’ve lost another 10. Now my weight fluctuates in a 5 lb. range from 240–245 lbs. I know that for my body type I should be around 180-200 (depending on how much muscle I have). So the goal is to eat healthy and exercise, and finally complete my lifelong goal, to get in control of my weight, and be healthy. I am tired of feeling the way I do because of my weight.

-FQ

Man, all of this makes me feel like “Chunk” in “The Goonies” when he is confessing all kinds of shit to the Fratellis. I have never purged so much of this info, and there are things I’ve never even told my best friends. Anyway, this is one of my favorite movies, and one of my favorite scenes.

Weekly Wrap-Up: Week 2

2008-01-22T16:31:00.000-08:00

Another week gone. They really do fly by so fast. I started the week really strong. I worked out for at least an hour Monday through Thursday. That had me feeling pretty good. I forget why I didn’t work out Friday. I know I intended to but for some reason never ended up actually doing it. That was kinda lame on my part. Saturday I worked, and Sunday was football playoff games and some other stuff getting in the way. Overall, not too bad, but I did lose my steam toward the end of the week.

On the food front I had some good moments and some bad ones. One night, I had a dinner to go to. That afternoon I looked up the nutrition facts for the restaurant, and found the best choice for me to have. That night at dinner I managed to order that dish, eat a sensible portion, and leave the restaurant feeling like I had won a small battle. Restaurants these days can be so misleading, sometimes even the vegetable dishes are full of fat. I am definitely going to keep on checking out menus and nutrition guides online before going out to dinner.

However, another night I went to a small get together at a friends and there were party foods, some healthy some not so much, and I did my best to make smart choices, sticking mostly to the veggies and fruit and as little of the bad stuff as possible. At the end of the night they broke out the delicious cupcakes from LA’s most famous cupcake bakery. There was no way I could resist. What the hell? I had one. It was good. And I am not going to deny myself every little pleasure only to end up over indulging later.

I would have to say that on the whole, this week was just marginal. I did a decent job of eating healthily and exercising. I managed to shed one pound (not sure that it isn't just normal fluctuation or actual loss). I am going to try and really put my best foot forward this coming week and try my best to move forward, full steam ahead.

-FQ

MY HISTORY PART 2: Junior High & High School

2008-01-17T17:33:00.000-08:00

Toward the end of sixth grade my parents decided to put me on the swim team. It seemed like a perfect fit, I had always loved the water and swimming came naturally to me. When I was little we had a pool in the backyard, and because my mother was paranoid that I would crawl over to it, fall in and drown, she insisted I learn to swim as soon as I became mobile. At the age of two I was a swimming machine and by four I was teaching other kids to swim. So three or four days a week I would swim after school. And the pounds started floating away. By the middle of seventh grade I had stopped swimming (in order to make time to hang out with friends) and the pounds started to come back. By the end of seventh grade I weighed in at 130 lbs.

To further complicate the issue, it was not just the lack of swimming that allowed for the weight to come back; my family moved into a new house in a new neighborhood at the beginning of seventh grade. My new neighbors, and the only kids my age on the block, were skinny athletic kids who could eat anything they wanted, and did. Their mother shopped at Costco and purchased all the foods that were a big “no-no“ in my house. There were the little bags of chips, pop tarts, cookies, crackers, ice cream, etc.; it was a fat kid’s wet dream. We would often play outside for a bit, then head in and have a snack (one of the really nutritious ones I mentioned), watch some TV, or play a video game. After a few months, and we were all more comfortable with each other, I would often be invited to stay over for dinner. I usually stayed (hard to believe, I know), and because my family would often eat dinner later than the average family, I would go home and eat with my family. That’s right, I would consume two dinners! And then, to make matters worse, sometimes on my way out of their house I would grab a snack from the shelf in the garage and scarf it down before I made it to my door, often hiding the wrapper in the bushes. My parents were at a loss and thought the only option was to put locks on the fridge and the cabinets. They never actually did, but the fact that it seemed the only option is scary. Go figure that by the time Freshman Year rolled around I was five foot five inches and 185lbs.

During Freshman Year I made a conscious effort to lose the weight so that the next year I could make the swim team (and not look like a beached walrus in a pair of Speedos). After school I would walk to the gym and work out for about an hour, then call my parents to get picked up. This lasted a month tops before I lost steam and gave up. Sophomore year was more of the same, as was Junior Year. I tried crazy fad diets but all with out success, or temporary success. At some point I thought that instead of not bringing a lunch to school, or buying one, all I needed was a sprite. I thought, “Hey, a sprite can hold me over until school gets out.” What I didn’t know at the time was how bad all that high fructose corn syrup was, and that the carbonation of the soda prevented my body from absorbing nutrients (assuming there were any useful nutrients I was consuming), meaning that I was really compounding the problem. I also tried slim-fast (the powdered chemical, horrible for you, shake substance). Both of these only led me to become a ravenous eating machine when I got home from school.

My weight kept my self-confidence quite low. My lack of self-confidence led to minor depression. Making friends, real friends, was difficult, and I spent a lot of nights and weekends alone at home watching TV and snacking. At school I would eat lunch by myself or go to the library to study or work on homework that I hadn’t finished, figuring I wouldn’t look like such a loser if I used the guise of studying to hide my lack of friends. It got to the point where being at school and enduring lunch became more than I could bear and I started faking illness and doing whatever I could to avoid going.

Late Sophomore Year/early Junior Year is when I really started to process the fact that I was gay. Before that, it was never really evident, and I remember having crushes on girls as late as Freshman Year. This newfound awareness brought with it the subconscious desire to maintain my obese status. The logic behind that being that as long as I was overweight no one would expect me to be dating, and the girlfriend question would never come up. That worked for the most part and when it didn’t, I shrugged the question off.

Senior year is also when I started working at a restaurant. This meant unlimited soda and half priced meals on days I worked. This was not a health conscious restaurant and I would say that most menu items were of the artery-clogging, heart attack inducing kind. We would grab a plate of fries and some ranch dressing and go into the back and share them before a manager could catch us, or I would walk into the fridge and grab a slice of cheese (sometimes slices of tomato or lettuce if I was being good) to snack on. Slowly and steadily my weight increased. By the time I graduated from High School I was six feet tall and my weight had skyrocketed to 290 or so pounds (I say “or so” because I avoided weighing myself and am not sure of the exact amount). Ignorance is bliss.

I was really overweight, and I wasn’t happy about it. It was frustrating, and no matter how hard I tried my unexplained and uncontrollable desire to consume got the best of me. My bad habits always outweighed any efforts I tried to make. Every summer was time to transform, to shed the pounds and come back to school in the fall a brand new me. However, any plans or regimens I came up with never lasted more than a couple weeks. Gradually, each year I packed on the pounds. My parents felt hopeless, my dad (step-dad) expressed his frustration verbally, which only compounded the problem, and made me want to piss him off by not making any changes.
As badly as I wanted to be thin, I was consumed by feelings of hopelessness and lack of determination.

Weekly Wrap-Up

2008-01-15T10:29:00.000-08:00

Okay, so Week 1 is over. I unfortunately did not get around to updating like I had planned, which means that I am struggling to get out all the posts I have piled up in my mind.

This past week I did my best to switch over to eating as much 100% organic food as possible. I really believe that the pesticides, hormones and other crap that makes it into non-organic foods are detrimental to overall body heath. Instead of the name brand fruit juice, whose second ingredient is high fructose corn syrup (avoid this @ all costs!!!), I grabbed some organic juice, the kind that has no chemicals or sugars added.

Same with the milk and the dairy, mainly yogurt and cheese, The cereal, the poultry, fresh veggies, the whole shebang. Not exactly an easy thing to do. I don’t know how many times I opened the fridge and reached for the sugar water, I mean “juice,” and caught myself. It really is a conscious effort but I am trying to be as disciplined as possible. This also meant paying more attention to what I am putting into my body, working on portion size and making healthy choices. Needless to say there were some slips, but they were minor and I did not dwell on them.

I also kicked up the frequency of my workouts. It started with some snowboarding for a day. Not exactly the same as an hour on the treadmill, but over the course of an entire day you really get an overall body workout. Then I did a HELL of a lot of walking. In 3 days I racked up 20 miles. Lucky for me I had two friends call and ask if I wanted to join them for a walk. What is great is that it totally spiced up the usual walking w/ the iPod in my ears deal, and I got to spend some quality time with some good friends. To finish out the week I took a day off, then did some elliptical trainer, and took one more day off.

Overall I am feeling pretty good. I was definitely sore after the three days of walking, but I did give myself a chance to rest, which I know is important and getting burnt out is a big part of the reason many people give up on their weight loss goals.

Here’s to keeping it up for Week 2.

-FQ

MY HISTORY PART 1: Birth thru Elementary School

2008-01-10T12:12:00.000-08:00

I was an average sized infant. And an average sized toddler. But by the time I was ready for kindergarten I had blossomed into quite the chubby little flower. As amazing of a memory as I have I do not remember exactly when it started to happen. I know that part of it was due to teasing. Hear me out.

At the dinner table my dad would often grab food from my plate or distract me and then steal my food. This led to a healthy fear of my food being taken away and a desire to consume my food promptly, so as not to give anyone the chance to make a move. I also think that being the first born, my parents weren’t too sure about exactly what they were doing. There may have been some missed opportunities to tell their little one no. Again, it is all a bit fuzzy.

By the time I was in first grade I had developed a habit of sneaking food. Let me elaborate. My parents divorced, and my mom met her new beau. He was a little stricter and actually helped my mom start to put her foot down. The new restrictions provided the opportunity for me to break the rules. That was not only thrilling, but then the treats were so satisfying. It also provided a way to rebel and act out after the split. Who knows what was going thru my little mind, but there wasn’t a day I didn’t sneak something I shouldn’t have. And not just junk food, because they stopped buying that. It was a compulsion and if there were no chips or cookies I would find something to consume. At the same time I managed to overeat at school. I would often finish my best friend’s lunch for him, in essence eating all the stuff he didn’t want as well as my own. Needless to say, by age eight I weight in somewhere around eighty-five pounds.

The rest of my youth was marked by being made fun, continuing to sneak food, and struggling with my weight. I exercised (played sports, went on family walks, etc.) but that was no match for my secret snacking.

Growing up in Southern California I couldn’t avoid the pool and the beach (nor would I want to), but it was always with trepidation and insecurities in the back of my mind. In fact, I almost didn’t go to the end of sixth graded beach party for fear of being made fun of. I am one of those lucky individuals who happen to store fat in the breast region. For as long as I can remember I have had breasts. Once I was told by a classmate to “get a bra,” actually similar remarks have been made on more than one occasion along with the usual playground name-calling. There is nothing else that has been so detrimental to my self-esteem as my breasts. It is so difficult to feel masculine, and to know that that is one of the first things people notice. At least once per day I am consciously self-conscious about them.

Throughout elementary school I always had one or two close friends (of course I got along well with the girls too) who I had sleep-overs with, went to the movies with, played with after school, and all the typical things one thinks of as part of childhood. Thankfully I wasn’t alone all the time and didn’t become a loner who was depressed, which would only lead to more eating. I don’t know that I would have made it out of that kind of thing alive.

-FQ

And so it begins . . .

2008-01-08T10:00:00.000-08:00

Today is the day that I finally start this blog (obviously, since this is the first post). After months of thinking about it, creating and designing the layout, putting it off and procrastinating like no other, the day is here. January 8, 2008. Wow. Here goes nothing.

The goal: To lose weight. I know, pretty basic, pretty common. But it is a simple goal that I have been working toward for many years.

What constitutes success? There is no set goal weight, but there is a range that I have come to find as appropriate for my build. Achieving a healthy body fat percentage, and maintaining it; feeling good about how I look.

This blog is intended to be a way for me to track my progress. A place I can post updates and links to pages I find useful in my venture. A place I can continue to visit the rest of my life to be reminded of what it took, how I felt, where I struggled and how I got past the obstacles that stood in the way of my success. Where I can record the sad, the funny, the embarrassing, and the triumphant stories of my journey.

I also hope that there are people who stumble across this blog and find that they are not the only overweight gay on the face of the planet like they are led to believe. I hope to connect and chat with people who have the same goal, or hell, any goal that they are struggling with. A place where we can be each others’ cheering section and show support.

Today I start this journey. You are more than welcome to come along.

-FQ

P.S. This was not a New Years resolution that will be dropped by January 15. This is a New Life resolution. This is a long-term commitment.