Where the hell does the time go? It is a fact that as the
universe continues to expand, time is also speeding up. However, because we are
all on the planet together, we are all experiencing time together, and so we
don’t actually notice anything different. Maybe subconsciously we do, but we
still measure a day/hour/week/month in the same manner, so our frame of
reference is unchanged. Anyway, I know that years seem to be passing by faster
than ever, and it can’t just be that I am getting older and experiencing time
in a different manner that I did when I was a child or a teenager.
All of that aside, the years really are flying by. Four
short (or were they long?) years ago I started this blog as a way to keep
myself motivated on my journey to achieving a healthy body. There have been
many highs (breaking the 200 pound mark was huge, and completing my first triathlon
was unreal and overwhelming) as well as some lows (gaining back weight I had
worked so hard to take off, dealing with body image, mild depression, and
frustration). But that is par for the course, right? On any journey one sets
off on, you can’t expect everything to be smooth sailing or bump/pothole free
roads. At least not any journey worth embarking on!
Oh, and really quickly here are the current stats:
As of February , 2012
height: 6'0"
weight: 186
lbs.
chest @ nipples: 41”
under breasts: 40"
biceps: 12.5" (definitely increased muscle here)
@ belly button: 37"
hips: 36"
butt @ widest point: 39"
thighs: 22"
calves: 15.5”
Body Fat: 18%
(again, bathroom scale so I take it with a
grain of salt)
The biggest changes athletically speaking are the result
of my decision to become a Triathlete. My competitive nature and my desire to
test my personal limits meant that I pushed myself to swim/bike/run farther and
faster.
I am now running on the treadmill at 8.5 miles per hour
for 4 miles, and if I am running farther I decrease the speed by 0.5mph every
mile (though I try not to go below 7.5 mph). When I run outside of the gym I
maintain a pretty even pace that works out to 8-minute miles. Considering that
in high school I was barely able to do 1.5 miles in 20 minutes, and when I
first started running in November of 2010 I was only able to maintain a 5.5 mph
pace, I am feeling pretty good. My longest run to date was 10 miles, and that
is fine by me (honestly, why go farther than that?). Also, in the running column,
I repeated the Thanksgiving Day run I did in 2010, though this year I opted for
the 10K distance (finishing in about 50 minutes) and then ran the 5K distance
with some family members right after. So, crazy! My legs hurt like hell the
next two days.
On the swimming front I managed to modify my entire
freestyle stroke to one that utilizes my legs less (so that I can save them for
the bike and run portions of the races) and also increased my swim pace in a
big way. It’s funny because it is four fewer kicks per stroke and yet I am
moving through the water more quickly. I also upped my distance, swimming at
least one mile and sometimes doing as much as two. I love to be in the water so
this never feels like the chore running does.
And then there’s the biking. I’ve always enjoyed biking,
but this is the first time I am training my body for more than just joy riding.
I started going to a lot of spin classes at the gym, mostly because it is a lot
easier (and safer!) than riding in Los Angeles. But I also got myself a bike
(Tri bikes are super pricey, so I got a Tri/Road Hybrid) and got out on the
roads and hills of Los Angeles and Orange counties. My longest ride to date was
in October 2011 and it was 32 miles (it was a pretty nice ride too!).
All of
that training prepped me for two triathlons this year. The first in San
Francisco, one that is not recommended for beginners (whatever!), and then
another local one in September. I did really well in both and am looking
forward to another successful race season in 2012.
A big part of my training schedule shifted in the early
fall when I added yoga to my regular routine. At first I shot for two days per
week, then three, and then this last week I went four times. There is nothing I
like more than an ass-kicking spin class followed by a challenging yoga class
that ends with laying in “Shavasana(corpse pose)” and just letting it all go. I
love the strength and stability that comes with the yoga as well as the mental
side of it, which I see benefiting me in races as well as everyday life.
A quick note on something I wrote about in my Year 3
Wrap-Up: Back Dimples. They are those two little indentions on the lower back,
bust above the top of the glutes. Well, I consider them a sign of fitness (you
can’t clearly make them out if they are covered by fat) and also to be very
attractive. So it was with great surprise that one day after a shower, I
noticed in the mirror that I have ‘em. They are there! It gave me a smile.
Along the same lines, I am noticing increased definition, especially in my arms
lately, which I am proud of.
And now onto a non-fitness related topic: The Year in
Love (or something like it). And honestly, what more appropriate day than
Valentine’s Day to discuss this topic?
January kicked off the year with a bang (quite literally,
though I already covered that in Hookups and Hangups: Part Deux).
And then the very next weekend things heated up again. I
met up with a friend at his place before heading out for a night of fun in “The
Gayborhood.” He and some of his friends had just come back from seeing a queer
play and we were all hanging out and a having a couple drinks before hitting
the boulevard. I had only met one of the friends previously so I had to keep
doing the, “Hi, I’m _________. What’s your name?” thing, and make small talk.
It turned out that one of the friends happened to grow up not far from where I
did, and we went to college together, and knew a lot of people in common. So we
“hit it off” in a way. I wasn’t really interested in him, but we managed to
chat for a while at the house, then on the way to the bar, and then inside the
bar. At one point I offered to buy him a drink (because he didn’t like the one
a friend bought for him and I was going to the bar, so I offered to grab him
something new), and I think in his mind that was a sign of interest. By the end
of the night, when I had managed to display my natural inclination toward
chivalry on a couple occasions, and both of had had more than enough to drink
we ended up making out on the dance floor of one of the clubs. Then it was 2 AM
and we were being kicked out. So we made out in front of the club. And then we
walked up the street and made out in a parking lot (at one point on the hood of
somebody’s car) and then at last I walked him back to my place, as everyone
else was long gone and he was too inebriated to go anywhere unassisted. The
brief walk helped to sober us up a tad, and after a bit of fumbling around in
my bed we both called it a night. In the morning I gave him a ride home.
A couple days later we met up for coffee. We talked for a
while and seemed to be getting on pretty well. I am not sure yet whether I am
interested in a relationship but am willing to see where things go. We continue
dating and hooking up. After about a month or so I am convinced that I like
this guy as a friend but romantically I am not interested. I try to find the
right moment to tell him this each time we meet up but I can’t seem to find the
right moment to do it. I let things continue until it gets to the point where I
don’t even want to kiss him when we see each other. I remember the last time we
were “intimate” I felt like I was going through the motions, which was a
horrible feeling to have. I know that my lack of honesty is not good for either
of us, but I can see how much he likes me and I feel terrible for not being
able to reciprocate those feelings. Things finally come to an end in late
spring when he has to move across the country for work. It is a clean out for
me, and to be honest, I knew it was coming and decided it was easier to play
along than to “be a man” and be honest with him. We see each other for the last
time before he leaves. Things end on good terms with us agreeing to be friends,
something I am totally cool with. After he is gone I wonder if I made a
mistake, but realize that I learned a lot about myself (my strengths, my
weaknesses, and everything in between in a relationship). We still talk from
time to time and have seen each other when he has visited Los Angeles (and I
suppose that if I am ever on the East Coast I will let him know so we can meet
up).
I had a couple dates in May, June, and July. They were
fine, all the guys were attractive but lacking that spark. The conversation was
great, and we got on well, but each one felt like more of a friendship that any
sort of romantic relationship potential.
In October, I had a date with a guy who seemed very
promising. He was a bit older than myself, had a lot of similar interests, had
a stable job, and was pretty cute too. We had a nice first date and then
decided to go out again. We went to a wine bar for a drink and then saw a
movie. The movie was good and he kept leaning into me throughout it. After we
headed back to his place (where we met up at the beginning of the evening) and
he invited me in. I decided to take him up on the offer, “What the hell? Why
not?” He opened a bottle of wine and we each had a glass. We sat and talked
about all sorts of things and then he looked at me with “that look” in his eyes
and we kissed. It was nice, and I hadn’t kissed anyone in a while. Then we were
making out and then he asked me to stay the night. We make our way to the
bedroom. Everything was very innocent, mostly just kissing, but it was fun. We
woke up in the morning and realized that he was supposed to be at his meeting
(which he mentioned the previous night) in less than 30 minutes. We quickly got
dressed and ready and he asked me to wait and walk out with him. We kissed
goodbye and went our separate ways. I wasn’t sure after that night how I felt about
him but I figured I wanted to give it another date or two to figure that out. I
called and asked about setting something up and he mentioned that he was busy
all weekend with friends in town, so we decided to chat after that. I attempted
to set up another date and got a lame response about being friends. I responded
with, sure, let’s be friends, but let’s actually be friends if that’s what we
say we are going to do. I get no response. I am angry for about five seconds
and then get over it.
In November I met a guy and went on a date and we hit it
off right away. We share the same twisted sense of humor and interests in many
of the same things. It is fun and flirty and a nice first date. We make a plan
to get together at the end of the date, hug and go our separate ways. We text
back and forth that evening and off and on the next couple days. We meet up for
our second date and it is another good one; good conversation, laughs, touching
each other’s arm or leg as we are talking (signs of interest). He had walked to the
venue so I offer to give him a ride home (Hollywood can be sketchy and it was
cold). We pull up to his place and he looks over at me. We kiss. We chat about
something random, and before he exits we kiss again. Later that night he texts
me and at some point says, “I’ll be kissing you again.” My response is, “We’ll
see about that ;)” We talk on the phone and text over the thanksgiving holiday.
We meet up at his place one night to hang out and watch a movie. We chat for a
bit. We watch the movie. We make out like teenagers. Hands are moving all over
the place. We go at it forever (not that “at it,” we kept it innocent), and
finally calm down and just lay there next to each other chatting and making one
another laugh, enjoying one another’s company. After a while I decide that I
need to get going, I gather my shirt and jacket, and yes, my pants and shoes.
He walks me out and we kiss goodbye. We text a bit the next day, and we talk on
the phone a couple days later. I think at this point I am starting to like him.
We have some trouble coordinating our crazy schedules the next couple days.
When we finally do meet up again it is after I have had a long day of work and
I end up visiting him at his place of work. We chat and hang out for a bit.
Then I need to take off because I have work early the next day. We kiss/hug
goodbye. For the next couple days there are periodic phone calls and texts. At
one point he tells me that he likes me a lot, but is worried that he isn’t able
to devote the time and energy to me he feels I deserve. I tell him that if he
really means that I am sure we can figure out how to make it work for both of
us.
At this point I like him but am in that weird place I
always let myself get to where I pursue someone even though deep down I know I am
not 100% attracted to them and don’t know that I see them being good long term.
I guess I am just a “benefit of the doubt” kind of guy.
We meet up again before Christmas and just hang out. He
is working on some projects and I help him with some stuff. I mention a trip I
am taking right after the holidays and he is very excited about it. I decide to
invite him along, he declines (due to work obligations, but not that it really
matters). We text and chat on the phone more over the next week and then I ask
him about getting together over the weekend. He goes into some rant about how
he has “this” on Friday and “that” on Saturday, and so on. I tell him, “I give
up!” He says, “Whoa” and to hold on, because he was going to say he was free
Sunday. I tell him that I was half-joking. He says he warned me about how busy
he was, and that he finally has all of these things going on in his life that
he has been trying to make happen, and friends he has been neglecting, and blah
blah blah. I tell him I think it is wonderful that lot’s of good things are
happening, and that I would never expect him to push his friends aside for me,
just that if he is too busy to (or unable to figure out how to) fit me into all
of that, then in essence, I am giving up on trying to make it happen. We meet
up one last time in early January to hike one of the Hollywood hills trails. We
talk like friends would and I realize I don’t want to pursue a relationship at
all. Thanks clarity! We leave on a good note, agreeing to be friends (because who
doesn’t need more friends to neglect?).
In mid Jauary I went on a “blind” date with a guy. We
decided on a nice spot (a bit romantic, but not too much so for a first date)
downtown. We met up and grabbed a table. I was immediately attracted to him. We
talk and talk, and have some drinks, and it is wonderful. As we are leaving I
offered to drive him to his car, as he had parked further away. Not knowing how
he feels (I would totally have made out with him right then and there) we went
for one of those awkward car hugs. In hindsight I probably should have at least
gotten out of the car and given a proper hug (“If I could turn back time . .
.”). He texts me later that night. I text back. He mentions something about if
he were with me right then he would be cuddled up to me. I tell him if I had
known that earlier I would never have let him get out of my car. We text back
and forth the next day. I think it started with him saying “good morning
handsome” or something along those lines. The next day we meet up near me before
I have to leave for work (ugh, working nights is the pits). After hanging out
and having a nice time I walked him to his car. He went in for a kiss, which
took me by surprise. He smiled, I smiled and then he went in for another one.
We talked quickly about meeting up soon and then he drove off. He texted me,
almost instantaneously, to apologize if he was too forward. I told him
absolutely not, and that he could be forward any time. We then texted back and
forth the rest of the evening. Things went on like that for the next couple
days. We talked on the phone a a few times (sometimes twice a day). He visited
me at work one day when I had an odd break in the day. Then he went on vacation
(out of the country) for a week and we had no contact at all.
He contacted me as soon as he landed back in LA. We
talked on the phone and texted and made plans to meet up in a couple days. We
met up in the afternoon to hang out. We grabbed coffee and chatted. We walked
along the beach, and then we grabbed some food. We had wonderful conversation
and all I could think about the whole time was that I wanted to kiss him. At
the end of the afternoon he walked me to my car and we kissed. It was more than
a peck but not quite making out. It was broad daylight in a parking lot and it
just didn’t seem appropriate to go further. After we had gone our separate
ways, he texted me some nonsense about not being able to “read” me. I told him
that I was surprised by this, and told him I found him a bit hard to read as
well, but that the whole day I had been looking for an opportunity to pull him
aside and “accost” him. He then made some comment about realizing how similar
we are, and how strange it is to get used to dating yourself.
The texts and phone calls continued for the next few
days. At one point he sent me some risqué photos. I told him they were nice,
but I wished his face weren’t covered by his hand and phone (for me, it is all
about the face). We saw each other again early last week and had another
wonderful lunch and coffee date. When we were leaving I decided to walk him to
his car. We made out in the elevator of the parking structure and then at his
car. He made some comment about our actions getting him worked up and in a mood
that was inappropriate for the location and where he was off too. Before we
went our separate ways, I handed him a card that I made that said, “Will you be
my Valentine?” He said, “of course.” I was on a high. I was smitten and
definitely beginning to fall for this guy. For once I was on the same page with
someone, felt a connection, was mentally and physically attracted to him. It
was like a whole new world had opened up and I was more than happy to be
swallowed up by it. We continued to text and chat. He called me twice one day,
before an event he was attending and then after. That same night he texted me
and we went back and forth for a bit. We now had plans together on Valentine’s
Day but also to get together and do something a couple days prior. I was beside
myself, planning the perfect casual yet romantic evening for my Valentine and
me.
Then on Friday I got a text that said he felt like we
were developing a friendship, not a romance, and that the anxiety about V Day,
and not knowing if he saw me as a romantic interest or would after Tuesday, had
been eating at him and he felt he had to let me know beforehand. I was caught
completely off guard. Blindsided! I thought things were going so well. Even
though we had only kissed so far, I felt like I was taking things at his
pace, and being a gentleman. I would have preferred to go out and do things
with him in the evening, and do something other than coffee, but that was what
he kept suggesting and so I played along. Like a fool, I played along. I
probably should have just grabbed him and kissed him when I felt like it. I
probably should have said NO to any of the day dates and made him agree to
spending the evening together. But, I can now chalk all this up to experience.
I have learned a bit in this short period of time and can move forward with
that knowledge when I enter my next relationship. If he wasn’t right, and
didn’t appreciate what I have to offer, then it wasn’t meant to be. I know that
there is someone out there who is, and when I find him I will be better
prepared for him.
Now, instead of spending my Valentine’s Day 2012 with a
new love, I am spending it with my true love; myself. I am getting my hair did,
taking care of my body at the gym, and getting some retail therapy. I may even
go out with some friends tonight for an adult beverage (or two). And honestly,
that all sounds a lot better than spending my energy on someone who isn’t
receptive, appreciative, or worth devoting it to.
-FQ
P.S. The photos are of the adorably attractive Colby Keller (taken by photgrapher Gabe Ayala). He is a porn start with a brain, but what I like most is that he is not too buff or overly worked out, has a cute smile, and is comfortable with his natural body hair. You can read more about him at his blog, Big Shoe Diaries.