Sunday, November 8, 2009

Update. Sometimes I actually get around to doing these.

I know I say it all the time, but seriously, TIME FLIES! I cannot believe that it is November already. And I wasn’t necessarily distracted by tons of fun either. Not that it was an awful three months. It was just merely another three months.

I failed to meet my goal to be 190 lbs by Halloween. Bummer. But I’m not super upset because I made it to 195 lbs! That’s right, I broke the 200 mark. Fuck yeah! I remember being 180 lbs at the start of my freshman year of high school and know that somewhere over the course of that year I ballooned to well over 200. So it has been a long time since I weighed this little. Just being less than 200 lbs is amazing for me psychologically. There is this crazy sense of accomplishment; for a long time I didn’t think I would ever make it this low again. I was in the 200 range for so long it is weird (and a little awesome) to punch in my weight on the machines at the gym and not have to scroll forever to get there. It really is the little things.

So, back to my failure (I don’t feel like a failure though), I totally dropped the ball when it came to working out regularly. I worked a decent amount so there was physical activity going on, and by the end of a long day there is pretty much no chance of me feeling like going to the gym. Out of the question. But when I wasn’t working I was kind of lazy, at one point even apathetic. There was a period where I went longer than an entire week without setting foot in the gym or officially exercising in any way. The good thing was I was able to get myself out of that funk and get my ass back in gear. I finally made myself go to the gym and get on a gosh-darn treadmill and get back to work. And then like I always do, I congratulated myself on a job well done. This is something that I view as ├╝ber important. I really think we need to take the time to compliment ourselves more. We need to point out the positive, not dwell on the negative, and pat ourselves on the back a little more.

New goal: Stay on track and manage to not undo my progress during the holiday season.

Here are the updated stats as of November 6, 2009:
Weight: 195 lbs
*and according to my scale my body fat is @ 19%
chest @ nipples: 42" (down 1" from last update; 6" overall)
under breasts: 39" (down 0.5" from last month; 5" overall)
bicep: 12"/12" (down 1" and now it will be time to start bulking them back up with muscle, not fat)
@ belly button: 38" (down 0.5" from last update; 7" overall)
hips: 37.5" (down 0.5" since last time; 4.5" overall)
butt @ widest point: 40" (down 1.5" from last time; 6.5" overall)
thighs: 23" (no change; 2.5" overall )
calf: 16.5" (a change!)


P.S. How freaking hot is this man? Wow! He has a cute smile, phenomenal body, and I don't even need to mention the package do I? His name is Adam (apparently) and the photos are by Rick Day.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Is there anybody out there?

I have noticed that there has been some more traffic on my blog lately and I would like to know more about the people who might be reading it.

How did you come across it? Will you come back?

I would love for someone to leave a comment or even go so far as to email me. It would be nice to know if there are any other fat queers out there and whats on their mind.


Sunday, September 6, 2009


Holy F Balls, this year is damn near over. It is practically Halloween, then right around the corner is Thanksgiving, and then the next thing you know its "the holidays" and New Year's. Insanity.

Funny, but all I can think about now is the fact that this is the time of year when people start packing on the pounds. Summer is drawing to a close and thus less pressure to look good in a bathing suit, and all the holidays involve hanging out and eating (usually while watching football). This of course is just in time to realize that you need to make a New Year's resolution (you know, the one to lose weight so you can look hot in a bathing suit again). Vicious cycle.

Anyway, another month has passed. I have not made any new progress (well, maybe I did, but then I went and undid it). Although I have not gone and fucked it all up either. The starts are the same as last month (weight and measurements). So, in essence I am maintaining. Not exactly what I was aiming to do, but it sure as hell beats gaining weight back (been there done that, not all its cracked up to be).

See, I spent the first half of the month (August) working hard and going to the gym all the time. Then about mid month I left for a vacation. And while I still went to the gym (not everyday), walked a ton, and did other physical activities (sadly, none of which involved getting laid) I also had dessert most every night and splurged more than usual. But I maintained, so I am NOT complaining.

I've already stated that I more than met my 08/15/09 goal, still so proud of myself for that, and now I want to set a new one. There is no way in hell I am gaining any weight this Holiday season. And to make sure of that I am going to set a goal to be 190 pounds by Halloween. To achieve this I will not do any fad diets or master cleanses. Just pure hard work and healthy eating. It is funny how ingrained it is in me now to eat healthily. I was on vacation and while everyone else (others on the ship, not my family or anyone I knew) was gorging and stuffing their faces, I was conservative. I had my egg white omelette with veggies and salsa from the buffet others were piling on lobster meat, sausage, ham, and truck loads of cheese. One lady even had the gall to call me out to everyone within earshot, "He's eating t0o healthy for a cruise." I bit my tongue and thought, "Bitch, that's why my entire body doesn't jiggle every time I take a step and I only have one chin." Seriously, girl was big. And the thing was I never felt as though I was depriving myself. I ate what I wanted (desserts were soooooo yummy) and basically ate just like I do at home. Why do I need to consume everything in sight just because its "free" and I'm on vacation?

*10 lbs. in two months. That shouldn't be too hard considering the progress I have been making, but I am expecting a plateau pretty soon. As they say, "THE LAST 10 LBS. IS THE HARDEST."
Bring it on. I am ready to make it happen (and I do hope this is the last ten).


Thursday, August 6, 2009

One mini goal down. Another one to go.

Another month gone. More progress made. I ALREADY MET MY GOAL OF 205 LBS (two whole weeks before my target date). Fucking KICK-ASS!

It is funny to see the results on the scale (sometimes I have trouble believing the scale) and in the mirror because it doesn't feel like work anymore. I just do it; its an everyday part of my life.

The healthy, vegetarian (for the most part) predominantly organic diet is working well for me. I really feel a lot better not eating meat. The exercise is good. It makes me feel energized and all that, but also feel better about myself. I guess it's really affected me mind, body, and soul.

Fortunately work has started to pick up as of late, though that means less time for the gym. So its a trade off. On the one side I have money (this is a good thing) but I also have tempting craft services all day long and not as much time to hit the gym. Good thing my job is physical.

All in all I am really happy with the progress I have made over the last few months. I knew that if I was determined and set my mind to it (again), I could accomplish my goal. I have lost a lot of weight in the past and now am finally finishing the long journey.

However the one thing that "sucks," and I put it in quotes because there are a lot of worse things, is that I am running out of clothes to wear. Everything is a bit to baggy now. Shirts, pants, shorts, etc. All of my clothes are not fitting and I don't want to look like a mess when I'm out and about or at the gym wearing over sized clothes; NOT CUTE! But on the other side of this tricky coin is the fact that I also don't want to go out and spend a bunch of money on new clothes that look good for now but are not going to fit right in two months. The thing is that as a gay guy there is so much pressure to constantly look good. Its insane and drives me crazy. Sometimes I just don't want to care dammit. I may have to suck it up (so to speak) and buy some clothes to gt me through the changes. We'll see.

Here are the updated stats as of August 2, 2009:
Weight: 204 lbs (the scale was between 202 & 205 on various days from the 1st thru the 3rd so I chose the higher middle #)
*and according to my scale my body fat is @ 20%
chest @ nipples: 43" (down 1" from last month; 5" overall)
under breasts: 39.5" (down 1.5" from last month; 4.5" overall)
bicep: 13"/13" (essentially no change, but I'm OK with that)
@ belly button: 38.5" (down 1.5" from last week; 6.5" overall)
hips: 38" (down 1" from last month; 4" overall)
butt @ widest point: 41.5" (no change from last month (WTF?); 5" overall)
thighs: 23" (down 0.5" from last month; 2.5" overall )
calf: 17"


P.S. How adorable is J.P. Calderon? Seriously.

Thursday, July 2, 2009

Another Update

Its the 2nd day of the month and thus it is time for another update. Time to post the vital stats. I am really enjoying this schedule I have created for myself. I like only measuring once a month as it gives me something to look forward to, and work toward. Plus keeping the progress calendar is super helpful. It keeps me honest. Plus, there is a definite sense of pride and
accomplishment in seeing all the days with"gym" or "hike" or whatever form of physical activity written in the square. So, without further adieu, here are the stats as of July 1, 2009.

As of July 1, 2009:

Weight: 215 lbs (the scale was between 214 & 215 so I chose the higher #)
chest @ nipples: 44" (down 1" from last month; 4" overall)
under breasts: 41" (down 1" from last month; 3" overall)
bicep: 13"/13" (essentially no change, but I'm OK with that)
@ belly button: 40" (down 1" from last month; 5" overall)
hips: 39" (no change, I can feel my hip bones poking out, so I doubt this is going to decrease much more; 3" overall)
butt @ widest point: 41.5" (down 1" from last month; 5" overall)
thighs: 23.5" (down 0.5" from last month; 2" overall )
calf: 17"

I lost 5 lbs!
I kick ass. Seriously. I do. I mean it. That is some fucking dedication and determination. It probably could have been more but I went out drinking a little more than I probably should have last month. That of course is neither good for the waistline or the pocketbook. However, I burned off 5 lbs. I burned off 5 lbs.

Whats really F*ing cool is that I am starting to see muscle definition in areas I just saw flab. My thighs are firmer and there is more definition. I can see the outline of my pecs (mostly the top half, there is still moobyness going n there). I can see my F*ing rib cage, its starting to show through. Now that is rad. I am just so happy with myself; that I am following through, eating healthily, and working out (25 out of 30 days in June) and seeing this through.

I look forward to meeting my August 15th goal. And then winning the battle against those last 10 lbs.


P.S. Thanks to GUAPO Magazine for the images.

Friday, June 12, 2009

Poquito Menos

A complete stranger totally made my day.

After working out I stopped into my favorite Baja style Mexican food place in LA to pick up some dinner on my way home. I go this place at least once a week, whenever I am feeling like I want "a little more" than what those other places have to offer. Its like a Baja Fresh or Sharky's but a thousand million times better. It had been about two weeks since my last visit though because I was out of town and stuff, and I was totally craving it.

Anyway, I walked in and walked right up to the counter. Without hesitation the lady at the register called out my order to the cooks and rung me up. She is this cute Mexican girl; early twenties, nice smile, a little meat on her bones, and she's always super friendly and cheery. As we are waiting for my receipt to print she asks me in her cute accent, "Are you on a diet?" To which I honestly reply, "No." She says, "Ohh, you look more skinny. More (insert the picture below)." She did the arm thing and made the little puckered lip face and everything. It made me laugh. And I said, "Oh, well thanks."

So great. Totally made my day. I have been working my ass off for the past couple months and things are going pretty well. I mean, this person who is essentially a stranger was able to notice a change, which is a really good sign. That was exactly the boost I needed going into pride weekend here in Los Angeles where all the hottest men will be running around in speedos.


Tuesday, June 9, 2009

"My Body Is A Cage"

Today, while at the gym, "My Body Is A Cage" by Arcade Fire popped on my iPod. I love AF and this song never really got much attention from me. That is until today. I heard it with brand new ears.

Check out the video here.

My body is a cage that keeps me
From dancing with the one I love

But my mind holds the key

My body is a cage that keeps me
From dancing with the one I love

But my mind holds the key

I'm standing on a stage Of fear and self-doubt
It's a hollow play
But they'll clap anyway

My body is a cage that keeps me
From dancing with the one I love
But my mind holds the key

You're standing next to me
My mind holds the key

I'm living in an age
That calls darkness light

Though my language is dead
Still the shapes fill my head

I'm living in an age
Whose name I don't know
Though the fear keeps me moving
Still my heart beats so slow

My body is a cage that keeps me
From dancing with the one I love
But my mind holds the key

You're standing next to me
My mind holds the key
My body is a

My body is a cage
We take what we're given

Just because you've forgotten
That don't mean you're forgiven

I'm living in an age
That screams my name at night
But when I get to the doorway
There's no one in sight

My body is a cage that keeps me

From dancing with the one I love
But my mind holds the key

You're standing next to me
My mind holds the key

Set my spirit free
Set my spirit free
Set my body free

So, the lyrics that really hit me I've decided to bold. For so long I have allowed my body to be a cage that has held me back in more ways than one. I have never really dated, only hooked up with a couple guys (and it wasn't very easy to let go of my inhibitions), and basically written myself off as undesirable (more on that later). For way too long I let myself get caught up in a vicious cycle of negative thinking. By being overweight (see posts here & here) I felt horrible about myself, which kept me unmotivated (major defeatist attitude), which kept me fat, and so on and so on. Blah. What a shitty fucking cycle.

The mind is seriously powerful. It is the key to everything. The saying "mind over matter" comes to mind, as does stuff like "The Secret," Eckhart Tolle, and crap like that. But really, the mind is the control center and it is amazing just how at its mercy we are. The good thing is we can choose to only listen to some of what the mind is telling us, the positive stuff, and ignore the rest. I'm OK with being at the mercy of a positive thinking, self-affirming mind.

In my case it was allowing myself to admit I am gay (and over time embrace it) and realize that I needed to stop allowing the self sabotage. Then realize that I could not allow myself to be intimate with someone until I was comfortable with myself, which meant losing a lot of weight. Plus, all the health issues associated with obesity are no fun and I didn't want to deal with a heart attack at 25 or diabetes.

At some point, back in 2002, I finally got my shit together and decided to do something. And through a few ups and downs (but mostly downs; it's weight loss, get it?) I have managed to work off over 100 lbs. That fucking rocks! That is a major feat. Once I got over all my hang ups, I was able to let my mind be the key to both unlock my body from its cage, and keep me on the path to better health and self-esteem.


P.S. After all my bitching about not getting hit on by guys, I totally did last weekend when I was out in WeHo. Yay!

Monday, June 1, 2009

It's A Numbers Game

Weight loss. It's just a numbers game. Calories in. calories out. If you have more calories coming in than out, you gain weight (and vice versa). And as the saying goes, "Weight is just a number."

Considering this, I wanted to see what the numbers look like in my own personal weight loss numbers game.

Let me break it down:

My current weight is 220 lbs.
My current body fat percentage is 25% (according to my bathroom scale; who knows how accurate that is?).
That means that 55 lbs are fat (kinda gross) and my Lean Body Mass (LBM) is 165 lbs.

Now, if a healthy body fat percentage for a guy in his twenties is 13 –18% that means that I need to reduce my body fat percentage by a minimum of 7%.

Taking into account my LBM, if I were at 18% body fat I would weigh 200-202 lbs (35-37 of them fat). If I were at 13% body fat I would weigh 190 lbs (25 of which would be fat).

Now, I honestly believe that my “ideal” is 15% (a weight of 195 lbs, 30 lbs Of fat) and that is what I am going to shoot for. This of course means that I have 25 lbs to lose still. That sounds a bit daunting. However, I can do this shit. I am so ready to make it happen.

The thing about the body fat percentage is that is based on the ratio of fat and LBM. The numbers I have listed above are based on my current LBM and if I continue to work out like I am and increasing my lean muscle mass those numbers will obviously change. Though, either way I think that 25 lbs is a good goal to set.

My original goal of reaching 205 lbs by August 15th still stands. Then shed those last 10 hopefully by October, but I’ll cross that bridge when I get there.
Continuing on with the numbers game I wanted to figure out just how many calories I need to burn to get rid of those 25 lbs.

Here’s the breakdown:

1 lb is the equivalent of 3,500 calories.
I have 25 extra pounds to get rid of.
That means I need to burn 87,500 calories! Holy shit!

But to put that into perspective, since I started this blog I have lost 28 lbs (98,000 calories). And since I started this process many years ago, when I weighed over 300 lbs, I have burned upwards of 350,000 extra calories. That makes the final stretch of this long journey seem like a drop in the bucket.

If I continue to work hard like I have been, both diet and exercise wise, and maintain a minimum of a 5,250-calorie deficit at the end of each week, I will lose 1.5 lbs each week and totally meet my August 15th goal.


Weekly Wrap Up: Week ? - I've lost count

I have started a new progress-tracking schedule. I implemented it at the beginning of May as a way to make sure that I don't stress about weighing myself too frequently, or not enough, and that I take measurements regularly rather than every so often. So the plan is: Weigh-Ins are every Monday morning. Measurements are taken on the first of every month. Simple and easy to follow, right?

To keep track of all this I have also created a progress calendar. This is something I used to do a few years ago (when I went from over 300 lbs. to around 255 lbs.). On this calendar I mark my daily physical activity, whether it be going to the gym, going for a jog/walk, swimming, etc. I also write my weight in the box every Monday and then I have a separate form for measurements. Because of the calendar I can report that I exercised 22 out of the 31 days in May (and that isn't even accounting for the days I worked, all kinds of physical labor, but didn't do any extra exercise).

So how are things going so far? Not too badly. Since I last reported here, way back in January, my weight had managed to go up a bit. This pissed me off, made me angry, a little depressed, and then forced me to take action. So, while I wasn't all that excited about posting my stats I did have a renewed sense of motivation and drive (hence the latter half of the Seth Rogan post).

As of June 1, 2009:
Weight: 220 lbs. (at the beginning of May I was back up to 226)
chest @ nipples: 45"
under breasts: 42"
bicep: 12.5"/13"
@ belly button: 41"
hips: 39"
butt @ widest point: 42.5"
thigh: 24"
calf: 17"

220 lbs. is still my lowest weight. I am really looking to break the 220 mark! I remember being 243 lbs. and dreaming of breaking the 240 mark. So fucking fantastic that I am where I am now. I am getting closer to my goal, and it’s about damn time.


Saturday, May 30, 2009

I am sick and tired of getting hit on . . .

BY WOMEN! Seriously. What the hell is going on here? Not that it isn't a little flattering and all but why ONLY women?

Can I just get hit on by a guy once? Is that too much to ask?

This also goes for all my straight girl friends telling me, "If you were straight I would date you," or, even worse, "Why do you have to be gay?" What the hell? I might slap the next bitch that asks me that.

Uhhh, I was made that way, sorry. And you really aren't making it any easier to be gay by illustrating that if I were straight I would probably already be hitched (because it's actually legal to).

Last weekend I went out with some friends; dinner, some other crap, and then a gay club. There was a friend of a friend (a gay guy) who showed up, and he was pretty cute. We didn't get to talk much during dinner but the damn woman sitting next to me (a complete stranger not with our party) couldn't stop making physical contact and flirting with me. As she got up to leave she put a hand on my shoulder to get my attention, announced her departure, and lingered waiting for me to make a movie. When I didn't and only offered a polite "goodbye" and a smile, she made her way out of the restaurant. The dude, I don't know if he rreally even noticed I was there.

Now I realize that I am not the first thing one would think of as every gay guys wet dream (the guy above is more on par), and as such I understand that I am not going to get hit on by every gay man I come across. However, it might be nice to have one or two show some interest. It has taken years of hard work to just be able to get to the point where I can allow myself to be open to flirting, dating, hooking up, etc.

Now I just need a guy to make a move. Lord knows I won't be the one to do it.


*Picture courtesy of Attitude Magazine.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

I want to know how Seth "Svelte" Rogan did it!

I was on Towleroad or some other blog and saw pictures of "Svelte Rogan" and seriously, I need to know what he was doing. He was in this tight(ish) red hoodie and I just couldn't believe m eyes. I mean this guy was big, I'm picturing him in "Knocked Up," and now he's this slender smaller version of himself. Damn. Good for him, but how'd he do it?



Anyway, things are going OK for me. I haven't taken measurements recently or jumped on the scale in the last two weeks but people keep commenting. And I like that!

Last month I had the opportunity of working with someone I worked with back in 2005 (my !st job out of school, the one I was laid off from) and we hadn't seen each other since. I saw her at call in the morning and then at the end of the day I was turning in my start paperwork and we were catching up and she just blurts out of nowhere; "Holy Shit! What have you been doing? You look Great. You look so healthy. What the fuck?"

I just laughed for a sec and smiled. I told her the deal, how I've been working at it for a while. That the job change helped and of course finally committing. It felt so fucking good. I was beaming on the inside.

Last week I went to a movie with my best friend and her brother, we hadn't seen each other in a couple weeks, and the first words he said were; "Every time I see you there is a little less to see."
Then she adds, "You look skinny." I brushed it off, but it felt good to hear from them. I mean, skinny? I'm 6'0" and 220. I wouldn't exactly say skinny, but i know what she was getting at.

And the same thing keeps happening every time I run into people I haven't seen for a bit. It is definitely motivation to keep going. Keep eating right (the vegetarian thing is totally working out and not nearly as difficult as people think. Plus, its better for the planet) and I am working out @ least 5 times per week, and mixing it up.

I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I can see the finish line, and that it is actually within reach.
So now I have a new goal. This time I am putting a date on it so that I have a way to monitor my progress and target to shoot for. I would like to be down to 205 lbs. by August 15, 09. That is 4 months to lose 15 lbs; very reasonable.

Yep. It's on now. And I am going to make it happen.
now I just get some updated stats to go off of.


P.S. Thanks to JUST JARED & JEWSSIP for the images.

Saturday, January 31, 2009

Year One Wrap-Up

Its been a year since I started this journey. An entire year. Unbelievable. I'm now a little less fat queer. I've made a lot of progress over the last twelve months and I can definitely see the finish line. That shit is in sight. I also know the places where I slacked and could have done a better job of staying on track, and that is helping me to push on forward.

Where I went right:
  • Going to the gym/getting exercise when I'm not working. Making sure to get off my ass and get some activity in when I finally have time off from my physically taxing job. Sometimes that is the hardest thing to do, but I always feel better afterward and I make sure to let myself know that I am proud of me for doing it.
  • Eating right. Making healthy choices, passing up the junk (most of the time). Eating organic (why put all those hormones, chemicals, and preservatives in your body?). And eating vegetarian most of the time (I aim for 3/4 vegetarian, 1/4 not each week) which is also a "greener" way to live.
  • Allowing myself to splurge every once in awhile. If you deny yourself of everything "bad" you only set yourself up for failure. It will only be a matter of time before you splurge big time.
Where I could have done better:
  • There were times where I fell of the wagon. Luckily they were short periods of time, but none the less I fell.
  • I definitely could have blogged more which would have forced me to record my stats and more closely monitor my progress. I really need that constant reminder and motivation to keep up the good work.
And so here it is. My results after a year. Ive lost 26 lbs! And I've lost over 20" around my body. I feel like the incredible shrinking me!

THE RESULTS (so far):
height: 6'0"
weight: 222
chest @ nipples: 44.5"
under breasts: 42"
bicep: 12"
at belly button: 41"
hips: 39"
butt @ widest point: 43"
thigh: 24"
calf: 18"


Tuesday, January 20, 2009

I BLOW . . .

at being a blogger. Get your damn mind outta the damn gutter.

It has been forever since my last confession, I mean post. However I have tons of stuff to post, tons of ideas floating around in my head, and some success to document. Its just a matter of finding the time and energy to put it all down on paper, or whatever this electronic ish is. For my own good I have to get some stuff off my chest, and outta my head. Many posts coming in the next week.

I'm excited! Again, outta the gutter.